It's been almost a year now

There area many nights when I lie in bed sleepless, left to let my thoughts wonder.

Inevitably, my thoughts always drift to that day.. It boggles my mind no matter how much I want to shut out all the memories of that day, they always seems to stay clear.. I remember every moment piece by piece from the waking up that morning, to eventually passing out that night. My heart races, the tears flow, and the memories flood back in waves.

There were so many people here for me and so many people here for me still; yet, I still feel alone.

So many of my friends came to me just to be there with me.. just to be there for me.

Alexa and Beatty barely left my side during that week.. that terrible week.

It's been almost a year now

Why can't I just go one night

My New Plans

It's been awhile since I've written a blog. I've been meaning to for some time now, but it's so hard to put all of my thoughts down into words. So many ideas racing through my head at all times.
So, big things I guess would be that I didn't move back in with my parents for the summer, but instead I'm going to live at Millersville and continue to go to school here in the Fall. About two weeks ago, I had every intention of dropping out college to move away to California, but in a three a day period that all changed. My girlfriend broke up with me, and right after that whole episode I received an email form Financial Aid saying that if I were to file for an appeal, I would be able to get it. So I packed up and moved back down. Honestly, it was the best decision I could have made. I didn't want to stay stay at home by myself every night feeling miserable and alone. At least here I'll have my friends to get me by.
It's weird here.. not in a bad way though. I have a whole new group of friends here that are totally awesome. There's Shannon, who was the first of them I really met. He's such a great guy, and I love hanging with him. Then there's his girlfriend Kristen. They work really well together, and sperate they're each awesome. She's such a sweet heart. PJ is the token Gay Friend.. He's a lot like Charlie from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. It's great having a Gay Friend who can't handle me. He's not used to my style of humor, especially when it comes to the gay jokes. There's Abbie, our Canadian friend. She's a fun loving girl. There are more of course, but that's the central group.

It's weird having this new group of friends in some ways.. mostly because none of them really know about everything that's been going on in my life this past year. It's not exactly easy explaining to them that my brother passed away and my dad's in jail. I don't really care though.. I know they're all there for me if and when I need them, and that is what really matters.
It's going to be a different year. I have so many more friends here now, and some who are leaving. I'm going to really miss living with Zach. He's been such a great friend these two years at Millersville. Especially since we've been living together. We spent this past weekend hanging out, and it's just making it harder really. I always have such a great time chilling with him. Especially since Kyle Bailey won't be coming back this year either. It's just going to be so different..
I guess the real reason I'm writing this blog is because of my head being everywhere at once lately. It's always nice when I'm able to write some stuff down. I've still been short blogging on my xanga, but short blogs don't really give a whole lot away.

I've started setting up a plan for the future, and I've started really working towards it. I want to be in Children's entertainment, and I need to find an in. I'm changing my major to Theater, so I can get a degree. My parents would rather I finish school with a degree then drop out and move away to California like I wanted. I'm okay with it too. I really love being down here at Millersville. For awhile, I was really starting to hate it, but it wasn't the school I really hated. I just felt so alone and empty here.
It was hard coming back to school this year.. with everything going on at home and then being thrown back into this school routine, being away from Alexa, it all just added up.. I closed off and stopped talking to almost everyone. It's hard to open up to people when you feel abandoned and lost, but I'm glad to say that I've put that behind me. I love my new group of friends, and even though they don't really know it, they've all helped me so much.
I got a job at a local Restaurant, Romano's Macaroni Grill, as a Host. They've brought me on as a birthday singer and plan on training me to Wait as well. I'm really excited for it; it's been too long since I worked in a restaurant and I had forgotten how much I really love it. I'm excited for that to take off. On my first night, the little girls from the show Dance Mom's came in for Chloe's birthday. After singing Happy Birthday, the girls asked me to sing more. So, I put on an impromptu Katy Perry cover concert for them. Best first day of work ever. I can already tell that I'm going to like it there.
I'm excited for this summer.. It's going to be a lot different then I previously imagined it.

My New Life

It's been awhile since I've written a blog.. I feel as though maybe that has something to do with everything that's been going on. I can't really stand being me anymore.. as bad as that sounds. I become more miserable as time goes on, and life is getting to be a hassle to deal with. I can't stand this anymore, any of it. I just don't like where I am or where I'm going.. I haven't for awhile. I've been trying to convince myself otherwise, but it's impossible to lie to oneself.
I'm still picking up the pieces from my brother passing away. Everyone told me that it will get better, but it hasn't. Most people probably can't even tell, but I'm not the same person I used to be.. I'm missing pieces, and with everything happening, it's harder to put them together. I'll start to get back on track, and something else will happen. I'm slowly coming to the realization that I've made all the wrongs decisions about college and life, and it's starting to become too late.
I'm starting to revert back to my middle school self, and I don't want that. I don't want to push people away, but I'm in a state of mind where I feel as though no one is able to understand me, and for the most part I'm right. People can say they know exactly what I'm going through, but they don't. I've lost my brother, my dad's in jail, I never get to see the girl I love, and I'm completely and utterly miserable at Millersville anymore.
This isn't the campus that I fell in love with last year. Even my friends are changing; I know I am too, but everything and everyone is different. I'm sick of listening to everyone bitch about each other. There's no point in it. None of them has the balls to confront each other, and they're all acting like a bunch of high school girls with their constant gossiping of each other.
I don't feel at home here anymore.. and I'm slowly starting to come to terms with all of the qualms I faced last semester with this school. I think the best way to describe my situation here is that I'm one of the few people on this campus that actually has balls. I want to do so much more than sit in my room and study.. I'm not saying anything against good study habits, but we're young, and we should live a little. I can't stand the idea of sitting inside all the time with a nose in a book. I'd rather go outside and just fucking be.
I don't know what's going to make me happy at this point, but I know this isn't it.
I'm changing my career choice. I don't want to be a teacher. I'll admit the idea of being a teacher still entices me, but the actual job and all that comes with it is not for me. I'm not a white collar, first shift kind of guy. I want to be creative and entertain, not work off of a guided curriculum that doesn't even teach kids useful information and sucks them of their creativity. That's just not me. I know that now, and I'm done trying to fall in to that category.
I know that Millersville isn't for me anymore. I want something more, and this school isn't cutting it anymore. 

My Oldest Brother

Friday July 15^th, I woke up like it was any other morning. Brooks had spent the night, and we were waiting for Beatty to come over. We were sitting outside drinking our coffee when my mom came down. She comes down to our cubby to talk to me all the time, but this time was different. Those words will be forever imprinted in my memory. “Your brother is in the hospital. He's been unresponsive since last night.”

My heart sank. I put my coffee down and angrily said “What the fuck did he do?”

My mom told me she didn't know and walked away.

Brooks and I sat, talked, and then..

I heard crying. My sister and my mom crying. I walked upstairs. I already knew what I was about to hear at this point.
The tears were already there.

It's not something I'll ever want to relieve again.
I'll never see him again; never hear his voice.

If it wasn't for everyone being there for me, I honestly don't know what I would have done. Nick drove home from Washington. Kyle Beatty was over at my house every day, and was always willing to run out and get something for my parents, Jason, Alex, and Me. He spent nearly 300$ on liquor for my family in five days.
Alexa..
Let me just reiterate how much I love that girl. She was just there for me. Every day. She's so amazing.

People who stopped by, people who came to the viewing to support me, all of the wonderful people who came to support my parents, brother, and sister, everyone was just so amazing. I can't thank everyone enough for their support.

My brother had a lot of demons in his life. He's at peace now. Though, we'll all miss him.. we have a lot of good memories to look back on.

The Ones Who Love Us Never Really Leave Us

My New Summer

I know, it's been awhile.

Let me start by saying that I have been planning to write a new update for awhile now, but things have been hectic. This one is looking to be a long one.

Alright, so first thing is first. I finished my first semester at MU over a month ago. Strange, I know. Considering the majority of the blogs I write on here are pre MU, one might think that a large portion of my MU life should be documented on here. Well, sorry but no. I will say that I am incredibly proud to be the new president of the Marauder Men's Glee Club, but if you want to know about my MU life please check my tumblr video blogs.

This starts me on one of many new endeavors for next year. I'm considering taking my 1.21 Gigawatts Radio show and rolling over in to the internet. I'm considering an online talk show. I've got the equipment and the means to do so. Why not?
Anyway, I finished out the year with all my limbs, so I did something write. It sucks not getting to see that group of friends all the time, but hey, I've got a good group here. It's been nice getting to chill with my home group. A lot of changes going on here. Nick's off in DC working for Senator Kerry, James is in Iraq, and Mike is up at State College for an internship. It's strange not having at least one of the three here, but I've adjusted I guess.

Michael is balls deep in his new relationship. I don't like how incredibly whipped and antisocial he's slowly becoming because of it, but whatever makes him happy. It'd just be nice if he'd stick around for more than twenty minutes at a time.

I had the pleasure of talking with James for a bit the other day. It was nice catching up, and just hearing his voice for once, instead of reading what he writes on Facebook. I can't wait till he gets back here and we can get him all liquored up. That boy is in desperate need of a party.

I started working for my dad this summer. It was a little bit of an adjustment at first, but I'm good now. It's nice to get to spend some time with my dad and Jason every day. I know they appreciate it too. I guess he doubted my work ethic at first, but that changed pretty quick. He has me sub out with Mike Ellis every so often, so I'm learning how to tear out and install windows too. It's pretty good work, and I get paid pretty well for it. It should hold me over until school.

Alright, so the girlfriend. This is probably the one that all three of my readers will be interested in. I guess I should start with the drama of last summer.

So, last summer there was an incident where I made out with Rachel, Nick's Ex. Now, I was drunk, and really didn't think it all through. She said to keep my mouth shut about it, and I did. So, she went around and told Nick. Now, honestly I just didn't know what to do. I felt terribly about it, and with everything else that was going on, all it did was add to the drama. Everything calmed down after that, but it still was an unpleasant end to summer.
So, this summer, Nick starts bringing Rachel's little sister Alexa around. She's essentially Nick's little sister too. Well, Alexa and I have always had a flirtatious past; I think so anyway. I've had some really nice talks with her before, and I've always had a lot of respect for her. Plus, she's totally beautiful.

So, Alexa and I start hanging out more. That leads to us talking a lot more, especially outside of hanging with Nick. We started hanging by ourselves, and it was obvious we liked each other. Now, I wasn't going to not act on these feelings.. I mean, I like the girl, and that's rare for me.
She and I talked about it, and she talked to Nick first. I don't know what she said., but knowing her it was something along the lines of “We're going to see each other, get over it.”

So yeah, now we're dating. I like it. I really like her, and so far so do all of my friends.

So next comes Beach Weekend. First of all, you all know about my Senior Week and Beach Week the next year. So, Beach Weekend both of those crammed in to three days. Although, three days turned in to four.

Anyway, Ocean City at the same house for a weekend. More alcohol, more friends, and me and my girlfriend. I was ecstatic. From the moments I remember: Brooks fucking hates Sea Turtles, the beach in the pouring rain is awesome, and my girlfriend is really awesome at taking care of drunk people.

I will point out one big thing that has my girlfriend scoring big points with me. When we first got there, Brooks and I emptied our bags all over the bed. I walked back in to find all of my things folded and organized on a shelf. What an awesome girlfriend I have. Seriously.

Anyway, my dad's trial and everything went through, so he had his license taken away. It's weird not having him driving. He's stuck in my shoes now. I feel kind of bad for him, but like I've said before, he broke the law. He starts his weekends in jail July 15^th. It's going to be weird not seeing him on the weekends. He's going to miss all of my Glee Club events because of it. I'll get over it, I guess. It took me forever just to tell my home friends, I don't really know how to talk to my friends at school about it though. Oh well.
Speaking of driving. So, I figured out that if I have someone 21 or older in the passenger seat, I can drive. Well, I have two friends like that. So I'll be able to get back in the habit of driving before I go take my test. Plus, I told Alexa to start riding my ass about it which will help a lot.

Kyle Beatty has been around so much this summer because he and Monica broke up. It's weird because they were together for so long, but whatever. It's nice having him around. Everyone gets along with him.

Alright, I'm done for now.

My Little Sister

I've been wanting to write this blog for some time now, but I just never sat down and wrote it. So, here it goes...

As most people know, this time last year my sister and I didn't speak to each other. Not only did we not get along, we absolutely hated each other to the core. It's strange looking back on that now, but I'm still reminded of it by my friends. James was surprised by it when he came back over winter break. It's just strange to some people how close we are now, compared to where we were last year.

It all started when James and I sat down and had a conversation about it. We talked about how she was, and started to look at things through her eyes. That's sort of when everything clicked. I realized why she acted the way she did, and that she really wasn't all that bad of a person, just a little lost. It didn't help that no one in the family wanted anything to do with her.

So, James and I devised a plan. I had been planning on making brownies that week, and my sister is allergic to peanuts. So, I made a big batch of brownies with peanut butter, and a small batch on the side for her with out any peanut butter added. She walked out as I pulled them out of the oven and asked what they were. I said “they're Nutella brownies with peanut butter.” She looked down and said “oh,” and I pulled out the smaller batch and said “these don't have peanut butter though. They're for you.”

It's amazing how such a small moment can be the turning point in a relationship. She looked up with a sort of “really?” look on her face and just said thank you.

It wasn't until recently that I learned how much she appreciates when people go out of their way to get around her peanut allergy. It made me feel really good.

After that whole ordeal, we just started talking and hanging out. It was nice to not only gain a new friend out of the ordeal, but help improve her life in a way. I know she'd never admit it, but our new friendship definitely made her a happier person. She had someone at home who was nice to her; someone she could talk to. No one in their right mind would have guessed that would be me.

I like it too. I rarely talk to anyone else back home. I only talk with her really. She and I have grown very close in this past year, and it's nice. I love the girl once again, something I haven't been able to say since we were kids. It's just amazing how a little effort on my part went a long way.

Last time I was home, she and I hung out with our friends for a little. I asked her if she wanted to go see Harry Potter with me over the summer. I know she doesn't realize it, but this is a big deal to me. I want to see this with her because not only will it be a great memory for us to look back on, but we're both huge Harry Potter fans and haven't seen a single movie together. It'll be another step forward in our relationship made my a little effort on my part.

My Best Laid Plans

I always hate stealing my blog titles from episodes of Scrubs, but with the first person narrative it's kind of difficult. Scrubs always has great titles which are very reflective of the situations in the episode. This one being a reference to the quote “the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry.”

So in the past month, I've had my heart broken, attempted to get over it by throwing myself at the feet of another girl, only to be turned down; my dog of eleven years died in my arms just before I came back to school, throwing me in to a patch of depression; and I barely have any contact with my best friend. Again, I'm not the type to throw my burdens on other people. We all have our baggage, and these are my problems, not my friends'.

I hate missing you. I really do. I don't want to miss you. After everything we talked about last semester when I started dating Rachel, I thought you would have had the decency to tell me you were seeing someone else, especially after I sent you roses for Valentine's Day. Have some respect for me.

I found a girl that I had an unnatural affection for, but like always, the feeling aren't mutual. Story Of My Life. I hate being this hopeless romantic, I really do. Girls these days don't go for that. They don't want romance. They want physical attention and disrespect. I

It's difficult being mature some times. Most people I'm around are stuck in the high school mindset still. I know I'm a goofball, and I don't always act that serious, but most people would be surprised if they really talked with me. I give credit to my taking a year off after high school. I was able to work full time and learn a lot of responsibilities. Also, the whole traveling to Europe by myself really opened my eyes. I need some time to be alone, time to dwell on my thoughts, sit down, and ask myself “where to next?” I need something... some plan.

I'm not happy with my life right now, but that's probably because I'm in another transition period. The girl I love is in a relationship with someone else, and like so many times before, as hard as I try to deny my feelings for her, I just can't. Then there's the new girl, who I just can't get out of my mind. It really scares me how much I respect this girl. Then again, it's rare that I respect any girl.. no offense.

I think I've realized what exactly I feel that love is. Love is a genuine understanding of another person, and total acceptance of all his or her shortcomings, all of his or her flaws, insecurities, and weaknesses. It's incredibly rare that I can have this total acceptance of another person's shortcomings. Hell, it took me almost 18 years until I was able to come to terms with my own flaws and insecurities.

I tried to make things work with this girl, but to no avail, but hey, that's life. It's not easy, but if it were, it wouldn't be worth my time.

I guess with things not working out the way I had hoped, I find myself at another stopping point. I need to just chill out, regroup, and move forward. I know that not everything is going to work out in my favor, but I just wish it did this time. I'll get over her, even if it's hard. I don't want to mess up our friendship because I've got these feelings floating around.

I just hope this doesn't turn into the situation I was stuck in in High School.. I can't go through that whole ordeal again. I'm not going to be the male best friend who wants nothing more than to be with the girl. I've been there and done that.

Walt Disney's Meet the Robinsons has a good quote to end with.

“Keep Moving Forward.”