My Macaroni Grill Experience

Most people don't realize that when I started working at Romanos Macaroni Grill in 2012 that I was dealing with sever depression. It was only a few months after my brother's death and everything was still fresh in my mind. 

I was hired on the spot by both managers. They had just lost their general manager and the restaurant was going through a turn around period. I started out as a host with the plan that I would eventually be planned to be trained as a server. Everyone was very welcoming right from the start. 

There has always been a sense of family in the work space. Even with the high turn over rate, there was always a core group that stuck around. 

I believe it was Socrates who first asked "what's in the blackboard soup?"

I used the workplace as my distraction for the summer of 2012, and it rolled over to fall, and then to winter. I worked as much as I could to keep distracted from the things that haunted me in my every day life. I could go to Mac Grill and see the amazing people I worked with and get to have fun with them while making money.

It's rare that you have managers in a restaurant who genuinely care about the servers making lots of money. Our managers would do whatever they could to make sure we were making as much money as possible.  It's so hard to find that in any business. I won't find that anywhere else...

More times the restaurant was chaos; people were screaming at each other; dishes would run out; someone would be crying in dry storage; someone else would be shoveling a Caesar salad down her throat with her hands; but despite all the ridiculousness, it was our home. It was where our family came together for work, food, and to just hang out and talk. 

On a daily basis I'd right my name on a table upside down and backwards, and the people sitting would ask, "How long did it take you to learn to do that?" I'd always say "oh I practiced for weeks up at the host stand before I started serving. Every day I'd stand up there and right upside down," but really I learned my first day there. I wanted to be a server there from the instant I walked in.

Yesterday I walked through those doors for the last time, and it killed me a little bit. I've spent the past three years working in the restaurant with my work family. And to have that all go away in one day.. It's just still so much to take in. 

I know that things will eventually get better, but most people don't understand. It's not just about losing my job. It's about losing the family that I spent so much of my time with these past three years. A group of people that have no idea how much they helped me in their own little ways. 

Maybe one day I'll work with some of them again. I would be honored to have the opportunity. 

#86MacGrill

My Blog in 2014

Well, I've learned that I shouldn't drink and blog. I'll keep that in mind for the future.

“Relationships don’t work they way they do on television and in the movies. Will they? Won’t they? And then they finally do, and they’re happy forever. Gimme a break.

Nine out of ten of them end because they weren’t right for each other to begin with, and half of the ones who get married get divorced anyway, and I’m telling you right now, through all this stuff I have not become a cynic. I haven’t.

Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies and, y’know, in some cultures, a chicken.

You can call me a sucker, I don’t care, because I do believe in it. Bottom line: it’s couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don’t let it take them down.

One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it’s right, and they’re real lucky, one of them will say something.”

“I’ve been thinking a lot lately about taking chances, and how it’s really just about overcoming your fears. Because the truth is, everytime you take a big risk in your life, no matter how it ends up, you’re always glad you took it. “

“All right, fine, Elliot. You wanna know why? You're just like me. You're scared because you feel like you haven't accomplished anything with your life. But instead of running a triathlon, you're pushing forward with a guy you don't belong with. And you know as well as I do, one of these days he's gonna open up a bottle of white wine for you when you really prefer red, except you never told him that; and you wanna know why? It's because he's not right for you, Elliot. Are you happy now?“

“I think one of the most universal human experiences is feeling alone. You’d never know it, but there’s most likely tons of people feeling the exact same way. Maybe because you’re feeling abandoned. Maybe because you realize that you aren’t as self-sufficient as you thought. Maybe because you know you should’ve handled something differently. Or maybe because you aren’t as good as you thought you were. Either way, when you hit that low point, you have a choice. You can either wallow in self-pity…Or you can suck it up. It’s your call.”

I love that I'm 22 years old, and I still live my life through lessons I learned watching Scrubs. I don't think I'll ever grow out of that show haha, but then I'd never want to.

There are always so many things changing in my life all the time. Chaos is 80% of my every day life, and I like leaving things up to circumstance and chance, but where has that gotten me lately?

I feel like this spring, I'm exactly where I was last Spring, and I'm not okay with that.

I like all my classes, that isn't the issue. I just find myself in another ACMO musical, working at Mac Grill, and seeing the same faces day in and day out.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about these things. I love my cast and show. I love my job and work friends, and I don't know where I'd be without my friends, but I need something else.
I feel like Belle in the beginning of Beauty and the Beast, wanting adventure in the great wide somewhere. I want to go on a roadtrip with two friends and just be alive in the world with no cares one more time before I'm forced to grow up, graduate, and begin the long process of becoming an adult.

Ive never wanted to grow up. If there were a Neverland, I'd be there in a heart beat, but lately it's becoming more apparent that I'm going to have to soon. Pretty soon everyone from my freshman group of friends will have Graduated, and I'll still be here. I don't like telling people that I failed a year of college. Then I have to get into the explanations of everything, and they just look at me with that face full of pity, and they don't know what to say.

Should I have gotten help when I needed it? Yes. Was in the right state if mind to know that? No.

That's in the past though. I've moved on since then, and have been doing better and better in my classes every semester. It's still hard. The motivation isn't there like it used to be, but Im sure it'll be back once it comes down to Crunch Time.


My opinions are ever changing. Especially so when it comes to love. I think my problem has always been that I try to hard to understand it and how it works, when really we can't. We can't determine what Love even really is, just that we feel it and it can be powerful. Anytime I ask someone their definition of love, it's a different answer. For awhile, I thought I had it all figured out, and who knows.. maybe I did at one point, but life throws too many curve balls, and one decision impacts another. Things, opinions, and people change. I just know that I've got a lot of reflecting to do in the future.

As for now, I'm ready to change things up. Here's to more blogs in the future once I start figuring things out again. =]

My Life is Ever Changing

I can't quite figure out what is going on right now, and why my life is so confusing all of a sudden. It's like something had to happen because everything seemed so easy for a minute threre. It's just that point in the year I guess.. A billion things are happening at once.. And my head is starting to spin.

I need to take a step back and just breathe because I know that if I just get back I to e rig kind set, everything will work out the way it is supposed to. Life is ever changing chaos, and we can't get lost in it.

This past weekend, I was involved in a production called Despite These Marks, a devised theater piece about HIV, AIDS, and the stigma surrounding them. I played a real person, friend of my friend who I actually got to meet. Everything I said, everything everyone said was from a real person, either a person living eight the virus, people who speak against the virus, and advocates for HIV positive individuals. 

It was an eye opening experience, especially getting to know some of horse people and hear their stories. 

I want to stay involved in this project, and I hope it really does go somewhere. It's really great to have been a part of something so moving and to work with such talented individuals.

Fall Showcase is coming up slowly but surely and I'm really excited to see how everything comes together. I really do enjoy being on the production side of this. I hope that I can just keep the energy up and keep everyone on track. I know Kat and Jenn appreciate what I do. I just hope the cast does too. Haha, I'm sure to some of them it just seems like I'm walking around to make sure they aren't on their phones.. Which is definitely part of it.

Here's to a successful show!

My Sitcom Fantasy

I often wish there was a way to turn my life into a sitcom. I don't mean create a sitcom based off of my life, although that would be wonderful too. I mean literally turn my life into a sitcom. I'd have a writing staff and everything, and even though encounter hardships and real world pain, I would still be able to find something to always laugh about.

There would ample foreshadowing and reoccurring plot points.. I'd be Ted or Ross or Sam or Jd or any of those twenty-something male leads who is just living his life day by day. I'd have a Robin or a Rachel or a Dianne or an Elliot, and even though we wouldn't have an actual relationship, everything would work out in the end, and id always have that person there. 

I guess I could create a sitcom based on my life, but it wouldn't be the same as living it. I want to learn a life lesson every day through a series of circumstances beyond my control. Granted, I do learn life lessons due to reasons beyond my control on a regular basis, but they aren't situational comedies, they're real events and its hard to find humor in that.

My Two Years Gone

It’s been a long two years.

So much has changed.

I’ve changed, for what is definitely the better. I’ve grown from my experiences and begun to make peace with my demons. I’m moving forward, and beginning to see what the future holds.

That being said, this year I made my return to the stage in Legally Blonde during the Spring. It wasn’t a leading role like I was used to in the past, but it didn’t matter. I was so happy to just be out on stage in front of a live audience again. I was so lucky to work with such an amazing cast and crew. Words can not fully describe how truly appreciative I am of every single person involved with that show.

A few weeks ago I was also in my first play since You Can’t Take It With You senior year of high school. For me play acting has always been an experience in and of itself. Nothing can truly describe the joy I feel acting in front of people. I was able to distract my friends and make them see only the character, which is all I can hope to accomplish. I truly missed acting, and it is so so good to be back.

This coming fall I will be assistant directing the fall showcase, and I can’t stop thinking about it. I’m so full of ideas and pride for my theater group it is ridiculous. I have faith that this is going to be the best showcase this campus has seen yet.

Shortly after Legally Blonde I wrote a post to my cast and crew on Facebook explaining to them about everything that had happened with Jeremy and the events following. I told them about my depression and failing out of school and how hard it was to keep going every day. I thanked them for showing me what I’m meant to do.. What I was always meant to do. They restored my faith in myself as an actor, and I’m ever grateful. It was nice feeling a part of a theater family again. It was something I missed dearly.

That being said, today is two years since I lost my brother. I still replay the events of that day in my head, starting with getting ready to go see Harry Potter and onward through the nightmare I will never stop reliving. There are moments when I’m driving through my home town still, and the events of that day trickle back in to my mind as the tears swell and wipe them away.
Two days ago Cory Monteith, the actor who played Finn Hudson died at the age of thirty one. He had been struggling with addiction for awhile now, and was in and out of rehab. I wish there were some way I could be there for his friends and family. I know all too well the pain they are going through and wish them all the well. They are in my thoughts. It is terrible to watch someone you know, someone you love suffering from their own demons, drowning their sorrows with addiction.

I’ve changed a lot of my views on the future since everything happened.. I need to live my dreams, and I need to make my name known as an actor. My brother had more faith in my than any other person in my family.. I can’t dishonor him by not sticking to my guns this time.
I want to intern in Disney, and in doing so set up a career path in the Disney company. It’s been my common theme among life goals for years, and I need to set it as my main strive. I know that if I work hard I can accomplish anything I want.

I’m hoping to update more often. I think I need this portion of my life back to. I had been blogging since I was in seventh grade, with this past year being my longest break between posts. I’ll be sure to not let that happen again

It's been almost a year now

There area many nights when I lie in bed sleepless, left to let my thoughts wonder.

Inevitably, my thoughts always drift to that day.. It boggles my mind no matter how much I want to shut out all the memories of that day, they always seems to stay clear.. I remember every moment piece by piece from the waking up that morning, to eventually passing out that night. My heart races, the tears flow, and the memories flood back in waves.

There were so many people here for me and so many people here for me still; yet, I still feel alone.

So many of my friends came to me just to be there with me.. just to be there for me.

Alexa and Beatty barely left my side during that week.. that terrible week.

It's been almost a year now

Why can't I just go one night

My New Plans

It's been awhile since I've written a blog. I've been meaning to for some time now, but it's so hard to put all of my thoughts down into words. So many ideas racing through my head at all times.
So, big things I guess would be that I didn't move back in with my parents for the summer, but instead I'm going to live at Millersville and continue to go to school here in the Fall. About two weeks ago, I had every intention of dropping out college to move away to California, but in a three a day period that all changed. My girlfriend broke up with me, and right after that whole episode I received an email form Financial Aid saying that if I were to file for an appeal, I would be able to get it. So I packed up and moved back down. Honestly, it was the best decision I could have made. I didn't want to stay stay at home by myself every night feeling miserable and alone. At least here I'll have my friends to get me by.
It's weird here.. not in a bad way though. I have a whole new group of friends here that are totally awesome. There's Shannon, who was the first of them I really met. He's such a great guy, and I love hanging with him. Then there's his girlfriend Kristen. They work really well together, and sperate they're each awesome. She's such a sweet heart. PJ is the token Gay Friend.. He's a lot like Charlie from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. It's great having a Gay Friend who can't handle me. He's not used to my style of humor, especially when it comes to the gay jokes. There's Abbie, our Canadian friend. She's a fun loving girl. There are more of course, but that's the central group.

It's weird having this new group of friends in some ways.. mostly because none of them really know about everything that's been going on in my life this past year. It's not exactly easy explaining to them that my brother passed away and my dad's in jail. I don't really care though.. I know they're all there for me if and when I need them, and that is what really matters.
It's going to be a different year. I have so many more friends here now, and some who are leaving. I'm going to really miss living with Zach. He's been such a great friend these two years at Millersville. Especially since we've been living together. We spent this past weekend hanging out, and it's just making it harder really. I always have such a great time chilling with him. Especially since Kyle Bailey won't be coming back this year either. It's just going to be so different..
I guess the real reason I'm writing this blog is because of my head being everywhere at once lately. It's always nice when I'm able to write some stuff down. I've still been short blogging on my xanga, but short blogs don't really give a whole lot away.

I've started setting up a plan for the future, and I've started really working towards it. I want to be in Children's entertainment, and I need to find an in. I'm changing my major to Theater, so I can get a degree. My parents would rather I finish school with a degree then drop out and move away to California like I wanted. I'm okay with it too. I really love being down here at Millersville. For awhile, I was really starting to hate it, but it wasn't the school I really hated. I just felt so alone and empty here.
It was hard coming back to school this year.. with everything going on at home and then being thrown back into this school routine, being away from Alexa, it all just added up.. I closed off and stopped talking to almost everyone. It's hard to open up to people when you feel abandoned and lost, but I'm glad to say that I've put that behind me. I love my new group of friends, and even though they don't really know it, they've all helped me so much.
I got a job at a local Restaurant, Romano's Macaroni Grill, as a Host. They've brought me on as a birthday singer and plan on training me to Wait as well. I'm really excited for it; it's been too long since I worked in a restaurant and I had forgotten how much I really love it. I'm excited for that to take off. On my first night, the little girls from the show Dance Mom's came in for Chloe's birthday. After singing Happy Birthday, the girls asked me to sing more. So, I put on an impromptu Katy Perry cover concert for them. Best first day of work ever. I can already tell that I'm going to like it there.
I'm excited for this summer.. It's going to be a lot different then I previously imagined it.

My New Life

It's been awhile since I've written a blog.. I feel as though maybe that has something to do with everything that's been going on. I can't really stand being me anymore.. as bad as that sounds. I become more miserable as time goes on, and life is getting to be a hassle to deal with. I can't stand this anymore, any of it. I just don't like where I am or where I'm going.. I haven't for awhile. I've been trying to convince myself otherwise, but it's impossible to lie to oneself.
I'm still picking up the pieces from my brother passing away. Everyone told me that it will get better, but it hasn't. Most people probably can't even tell, but I'm not the same person I used to be.. I'm missing pieces, and with everything happening, it's harder to put them together. I'll start to get back on track, and something else will happen. I'm slowly coming to the realization that I've made all the wrongs decisions about college and life, and it's starting to become too late.
I'm starting to revert back to my middle school self, and I don't want that. I don't want to push people away, but I'm in a state of mind where I feel as though no one is able to understand me, and for the most part I'm right. People can say they know exactly what I'm going through, but they don't. I've lost my brother, my dad's in jail, I never get to see the girl I love, and I'm completely and utterly miserable at Millersville anymore.
This isn't the campus that I fell in love with last year. Even my friends are changing; I know I am too, but everything and everyone is different. I'm sick of listening to everyone bitch about each other. There's no point in it. None of them has the balls to confront each other, and they're all acting like a bunch of high school girls with their constant gossiping of each other.
I don't feel at home here anymore.. and I'm slowly starting to come to terms with all of the qualms I faced last semester with this school. I think the best way to describe my situation here is that I'm one of the few people on this campus that actually has balls. I want to do so much more than sit in my room and study.. I'm not saying anything against good study habits, but we're young, and we should live a little. I can't stand the idea of sitting inside all the time with a nose in a book. I'd rather go outside and just fucking be.
I don't know what's going to make me happy at this point, but I know this isn't it.
I'm changing my career choice. I don't want to be a teacher. I'll admit the idea of being a teacher still entices me, but the actual job and all that comes with it is not for me. I'm not a white collar, first shift kind of guy. I want to be creative and entertain, not work off of a guided curriculum that doesn't even teach kids useful information and sucks them of their creativity. That's just not me. I know that now, and I'm done trying to fall in to that category.
I know that Millersville isn't for me anymore. I want something more, and this school isn't cutting it anymore. 

My Oldest Brother

Friday July 15^th, I woke up like it was any other morning. Brooks had spent the night, and we were waiting for Beatty to come over. We were sitting outside drinking our coffee when my mom came down. She comes down to our cubby to talk to me all the time, but this time was different. Those words will be forever imprinted in my memory. “Your brother is in the hospital. He's been unresponsive since last night.”

My heart sank. I put my coffee down and angrily said “What the fuck did he do?”

My mom told me she didn't know and walked away.

Brooks and I sat, talked, and then..

I heard crying. My sister and my mom crying. I walked upstairs. I already knew what I was about to hear at this point.
The tears were already there.

It's not something I'll ever want to relieve again.
I'll never see him again; never hear his voice.

If it wasn't for everyone being there for me, I honestly don't know what I would have done. Nick drove home from Washington. Kyle Beatty was over at my house every day, and was always willing to run out and get something for my parents, Jason, Alex, and Me. He spent nearly 300$ on liquor for my family in five days.
Alexa..
Let me just reiterate how much I love that girl. She was just there for me. Every day. She's so amazing.

People who stopped by, people who came to the viewing to support me, all of the wonderful people who came to support my parents, brother, and sister, everyone was just so amazing. I can't thank everyone enough for their support.

My brother had a lot of demons in his life. He's at peace now. Though, we'll all miss him.. we have a lot of good memories to look back on.

The Ones Who Love Us Never Really Leave Us

My New Summer

I know, it's been awhile.

Let me start by saying that I have been planning to write a new update for awhile now, but things have been hectic. This one is looking to be a long one.

Alright, so first thing is first. I finished my first semester at MU over a month ago. Strange, I know. Considering the majority of the blogs I write on here are pre MU, one might think that a large portion of my MU life should be documented on here. Well, sorry but no. I will say that I am incredibly proud to be the new president of the Marauder Men's Glee Club, but if you want to know about my MU life please check my tumblr video blogs.

This starts me on one of many new endeavors for next year. I'm considering taking my 1.21 Gigawatts Radio show and rolling over in to the internet. I'm considering an online talk show. I've got the equipment and the means to do so. Why not?
Anyway, I finished out the year with all my limbs, so I did something write. It sucks not getting to see that group of friends all the time, but hey, I've got a good group here. It's been nice getting to chill with my home group. A lot of changes going on here. Nick's off in DC working for Senator Kerry, James is in Iraq, and Mike is up at State College for an internship. It's strange not having at least one of the three here, but I've adjusted I guess.

Michael is balls deep in his new relationship. I don't like how incredibly whipped and antisocial he's slowly becoming because of it, but whatever makes him happy. It'd just be nice if he'd stick around for more than twenty minutes at a time.

I had the pleasure of talking with James for a bit the other day. It was nice catching up, and just hearing his voice for once, instead of reading what he writes on Facebook. I can't wait till he gets back here and we can get him all liquored up. That boy is in desperate need of a party.

I started working for my dad this summer. It was a little bit of an adjustment at first, but I'm good now. It's nice to get to spend some time with my dad and Jason every day. I know they appreciate it too. I guess he doubted my work ethic at first, but that changed pretty quick. He has me sub out with Mike Ellis every so often, so I'm learning how to tear out and install windows too. It's pretty good work, and I get paid pretty well for it. It should hold me over until school.

Alright, so the girlfriend. This is probably the one that all three of my readers will be interested in. I guess I should start with the drama of last summer.

So, last summer there was an incident where I made out with Rachel, Nick's Ex. Now, I was drunk, and really didn't think it all through. She said to keep my mouth shut about it, and I did. So, she went around and told Nick. Now, honestly I just didn't know what to do. I felt terribly about it, and with everything else that was going on, all it did was add to the drama. Everything calmed down after that, but it still was an unpleasant end to summer.
So, this summer, Nick starts bringing Rachel's little sister Alexa around. She's essentially Nick's little sister too. Well, Alexa and I have always had a flirtatious past; I think so anyway. I've had some really nice talks with her before, and I've always had a lot of respect for her. Plus, she's totally beautiful.

So, Alexa and I start hanging out more. That leads to us talking a lot more, especially outside of hanging with Nick. We started hanging by ourselves, and it was obvious we liked each other. Now, I wasn't going to not act on these feelings.. I mean, I like the girl, and that's rare for me.
She and I talked about it, and she talked to Nick first. I don't know what she said., but knowing her it was something along the lines of “We're going to see each other, get over it.”

So yeah, now we're dating. I like it. I really like her, and so far so do all of my friends.

So next comes Beach Weekend. First of all, you all know about my Senior Week and Beach Week the next year. So, Beach Weekend both of those crammed in to three days. Although, three days turned in to four.

Anyway, Ocean City at the same house for a weekend. More alcohol, more friends, and me and my girlfriend. I was ecstatic. From the moments I remember: Brooks fucking hates Sea Turtles, the beach in the pouring rain is awesome, and my girlfriend is really awesome at taking care of drunk people.

I will point out one big thing that has my girlfriend scoring big points with me. When we first got there, Brooks and I emptied our bags all over the bed. I walked back in to find all of my things folded and organized on a shelf. What an awesome girlfriend I have. Seriously.

Anyway, my dad's trial and everything went through, so he had his license taken away. It's weird not having him driving. He's stuck in my shoes now. I feel kind of bad for him, but like I've said before, he broke the law. He starts his weekends in jail July 15^th. It's going to be weird not seeing him on the weekends. He's going to miss all of my Glee Club events because of it. I'll get over it, I guess. It took me forever just to tell my home friends, I don't really know how to talk to my friends at school about it though. Oh well.
Speaking of driving. So, I figured out that if I have someone 21 or older in the passenger seat, I can drive. Well, I have two friends like that. So I'll be able to get back in the habit of driving before I go take my test. Plus, I told Alexa to start riding my ass about it which will help a lot.

Kyle Beatty has been around so much this summer because he and Monica broke up. It's weird because they were together for so long, but whatever. It's nice having him around. Everyone gets along with him.

Alright, I'm done for now.

My Little Sister

I've been wanting to write this blog for some time now, but I just never sat down and wrote it. So, here it goes...

As most people know, this time last year my sister and I didn't speak to each other. Not only did we not get along, we absolutely hated each other to the core. It's strange looking back on that now, but I'm still reminded of it by my friends. James was surprised by it when he came back over winter break. It's just strange to some people how close we are now, compared to where we were last year.

It all started when James and I sat down and had a conversation about it. We talked about how she was, and started to look at things through her eyes. That's sort of when everything clicked. I realized why she acted the way she did, and that she really wasn't all that bad of a person, just a little lost. It didn't help that no one in the family wanted anything to do with her.

So, James and I devised a plan. I had been planning on making brownies that week, and my sister is allergic to peanuts. So, I made a big batch of brownies with peanut butter, and a small batch on the side for her with out any peanut butter added. She walked out as I pulled them out of the oven and asked what they were. I said “they're Nutella brownies with peanut butter.” She looked down and said “oh,” and I pulled out the smaller batch and said “these don't have peanut butter though. They're for you.”

It's amazing how such a small moment can be the turning point in a relationship. She looked up with a sort of “really?” look on her face and just said thank you.

It wasn't until recently that I learned how much she appreciates when people go out of their way to get around her peanut allergy. It made me feel really good.

After that whole ordeal, we just started talking and hanging out. It was nice to not only gain a new friend out of the ordeal, but help improve her life in a way. I know she'd never admit it, but our new friendship definitely made her a happier person. She had someone at home who was nice to her; someone she could talk to. No one in their right mind would have guessed that would be me.

I like it too. I rarely talk to anyone else back home. I only talk with her really. She and I have grown very close in this past year, and it's nice. I love the girl once again, something I haven't been able to say since we were kids. It's just amazing how a little effort on my part went a long way.

Last time I was home, she and I hung out with our friends for a little. I asked her if she wanted to go see Harry Potter with me over the summer. I know she doesn't realize it, but this is a big deal to me. I want to see this with her because not only will it be a great memory for us to look back on, but we're both huge Harry Potter fans and haven't seen a single movie together. It'll be another step forward in our relationship made my a little effort on my part.

My Best Laid Plans

I always hate stealing my blog titles from episodes of Scrubs, but with the first person narrative it's kind of difficult. Scrubs always has great titles which are very reflective of the situations in the episode. This one being a reference to the quote “the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry.”

So in the past month, I've had my heart broken, attempted to get over it by throwing myself at the feet of another girl, only to be turned down; my dog of eleven years died in my arms just before I came back to school, throwing me in to a patch of depression; and I barely have any contact with my best friend. Again, I'm not the type to throw my burdens on other people. We all have our baggage, and these are my problems, not my friends'.

I hate missing you. I really do. I don't want to miss you. After everything we talked about last semester when I started dating Rachel, I thought you would have had the decency to tell me you were seeing someone else, especially after I sent you roses for Valentine's Day. Have some respect for me.

I found a girl that I had an unnatural affection for, but like always, the feeling aren't mutual. Story Of My Life. I hate being this hopeless romantic, I really do. Girls these days don't go for that. They don't want romance. They want physical attention and disrespect. I

It's difficult being mature some times. Most people I'm around are stuck in the high school mindset still. I know I'm a goofball, and I don't always act that serious, but most people would be surprised if they really talked with me. I give credit to my taking a year off after high school. I was able to work full time and learn a lot of responsibilities. Also, the whole traveling to Europe by myself really opened my eyes. I need some time to be alone, time to dwell on my thoughts, sit down, and ask myself “where to next?” I need something... some plan.

I'm not happy with my life right now, but that's probably because I'm in another transition period. The girl I love is in a relationship with someone else, and like so many times before, as hard as I try to deny my feelings for her, I just can't. Then there's the new girl, who I just can't get out of my mind. It really scares me how much I respect this girl. Then again, it's rare that I respect any girl.. no offense.

I think I've realized what exactly I feel that love is. Love is a genuine understanding of another person, and total acceptance of all his or her shortcomings, all of his or her flaws, insecurities, and weaknesses. It's incredibly rare that I can have this total acceptance of another person's shortcomings. Hell, it took me almost 18 years until I was able to come to terms with my own flaws and insecurities.

I tried to make things work with this girl, but to no avail, but hey, that's life. It's not easy, but if it were, it wouldn't be worth my time.

I guess with things not working out the way I had hoped, I find myself at another stopping point. I need to just chill out, regroup, and move forward. I know that not everything is going to work out in my favor, but I just wish it did this time. I'll get over her, even if it's hard. I don't want to mess up our friendship because I've got these feelings floating around.

I just hope this doesn't turn into the situation I was stuck in in High School.. I can't go through that whole ordeal again. I'm not going to be the male best friend who wants nothing more than to be with the girl. I've been there and done that.

Walt Disney's Meet the Robinsons has a good quote to end with.

“Keep Moving Forward.”

My Unquenchable Thirst

I'm finding that now that I'm back at the Freshman Role in society, I'm lacking all of the leadership and power I once had as a senior in high school. There's no denying that I ran shit in high school. I'm a natural leader, it's what I do. I love when I have followers asking me what our next move is.

I've already started planting seeds here, but it's a lot different. I'm taking a different approach to a lot of these things. I hope to get an RA position next year, which will definitely grant me a good group of followers.

I've started spreading my word throughout the radio station, and as of right now I'm doing well. The upperclassmen love me, and the current freshman also love me. I've got my friends on my show, and friends on other shows slowly spreading my ideas and name. The way I look at it, I'll be running that station by Junior Year.

I've also started my attempts to take over the choirs sooner than I did in high school. I feel as though if I would have started singing in choir sooner, I would have had a better shot at obtaining leadership positions. Now, as a freshman in the Glee Club and U Choir, I feel as though I'll be able to spread my reach to the other groups.

Then there's the tree climbing. It's amazing that as soon as we get into a tree we hear, “HEY! The tree people are back!” We are recognized on campus already. People love us. Just with that, my power spreads. I can't wait to see where that one goes.

So this is where my revolution begins I guess.

My Letter to the School Board

Members of the Daniel Boone School Board,

For those of you are unfamiliar with me, I am Christian Kriebel a proud of alumnus of Daniel Boone High School. I will probably best be remembered for my portrayal of the Beast in Disney's Beauty and the Beast, the 2009 Spring musical. That was not my only theatrical portrayal though, I graced the Daniel Boone stage many a time in my four years of high school. Whether it had been in the Fall play, the Spring musical, a choir concert, or Mr. Boone my senior year.

I am writing after hearing the dreadful news of the proposal to cut the extracurricular activities that during my time in high school, I loved so dearly. I ask you to take what I have in to consideration, I've thought long and hard on how to put these thoughts and feelings on the matter in to words.

Being a part of something great makes people great. The friendships and memories that I made during my time in the theater program are what helped shape me into the man I am today. Joining these great activities opened me up to new opportunities beyond that of what the audience sees. The show is only the final product the long process involved in the acting field. The hard work and dedication an actor, singer, or dancer puts in to a show is not always seen by the audience. The time and effort each one of us put in to every show not only helped us perform in the end, but also helped us learn as we went. We learned not only about ourselves, but about each other.

I sit here at my desk, in my dorm, at Millersville University, the first of my family to attend college, the first of my family to go beyond a high school education to further my future. I thank my involvement in theater during high school for that. I had something that I loved doing, acting, singing, and in some occasions, such as the musical and Mr. Boone, dancing.

My involvement in these activities kept me busy during my time there. It kept me away from the pressures of drugs that most fall victim to in their high school years. I had something so much more powerful to keep my mind off of all of those poisons of the out side world. In doing away with these activities, I worry that others will lose that chance to find something so great, something so powerful, and they will fall victim.

These programs changed me for the better, there is no denying that. I learned aspects of hard work and dedication, and the feeling one gets when all of that pays off is like no other. In cutting these programs, you will be robbing other students of their chance to feel this way, the feeling of that rush of adrenaline when they walk out on to stage for the first time to a full house. Most of you have never experienced this on your own, but I assure you that it is a feeling like no other.

These students deserve the opportunity to feel like they are a part of something great, something real. Please do not rob them of this chance.

Sincerely,

Christian N. Kriebel

My Winter Break

So now that break is coming to an end, and my second semester of Millersville is about to begin, I think it's only write that I write a blog.

Overall, I had a very good break. It was great having James back home for those few weeks. It's a shame he was sick his first week back, but he was here, and that's what mattered. I won't see him for a year now. I hate it, but I'll live. He's my best friend, doesn't matter where he is.

It was nice having Mike as a work out buddy this break. I needed to get into the gym as much as possible, and he was always willing to go with me.. except his last day here. It sucked once he left because no one wanted to go.

I got to ring in the new year with Mike for the second year in a row. This time over at his friend's house in Downingtown. It was cool getting to party with his friends from Penn State. I love meeting new people and making a good first impression.

We had a few good party nights at Kyle's and Nick's respective houses. The first one was at Kyles, which wasn't a lot of drinking, it was mainly everyone smoking weed, and me smoking spice. Then we got James drunk at Nick's on two separate occasions. It was my goal this break to get him drunk at least twice, and high as much as possible. Mission succeeded.

I'm a bit upset that I didn't get to spend time with my college friends this break, but things just never worked out. We were supposed to have a rave, but conflicts always arose on the days we wanted it.

Jeremy was living at home again this break, sleeping out in the main basement area on a futon. I'll never let a girl ruin my life the way he does. I just don't understand how he can keep setting himself up to get pissed off and hurt. I guess I shouldn't say anything, since I've been chasing the same girl since Freshman year of high school. Haha

This past week I spent most of my time in bed. I wasn't happy about that, but it gave me time to just relax before school. I didn't do much of anything, other than watch a few movies and some Dragon Ball Z. Last night I finished out my home reign with Bill, Nick, Brooks, Tanesha, and Kyle over Kyle's apartment. Delicious Fourloko and shotgunning beers.

I'm ready to go back to school and see what this semester brings.

My New Year

So this is the new year.
And i don't feel any different.
The clanking of crystal
Explosions off in the distance

It's common practice for everyone to make a New Year's Resolution and then not really follow through with it. I usually just make a bullshit one, and then proceed to not follow through, but this year I think I'll change that.

I wasn't very happy with 2010. It was not a very good year to me. I do admit that I've changed, both physically and mentally, this past year more than any previous year. My appearance is much, much different. I started this summer at 163lbs, and as of today I weigh 198.5lbs. I go to the gym on a regular basis, and I just feel healthy.

If it hadn't been for James's preparing for the army this summer, then I would have never gone in to the gym, and I would still be skin and bones.

For the first time, I went through a period with out my best friend by my side. I made new friends at school, but non of them match up to James.

I've had a relationship for the first time since 2009; boy, was that a mistake. I need to make sure to stick to my guns this year. There really is only one girl in this world for me, but I have to wait. It sucks, but the wait is worth it. Definitely worth it.

With my probation coming to an end, I'll get to have a little more of my old freedoms back. I'll be able to indulge in my old pleasure, which I hope will bring me back to my old self a little bit. Looking back at where I was at this point last year, it's just such an amazing change. I just have to make sure I stick with my college career the way I am. I can't get lazy on it. As a wise man once said, “this is real life.”

There's no turning back from here
I've got to get away from everyone who's left
Everyone who's left
I'll tell the saddest story
Of how we made it through this past year

So, that being said my New Years Resolution is to do whatever it takes to make sure that I am happy with my life.

I know that may sound a little cliché, but this past year was awful for me, and there were plenty of times where I was just completely unhappy with my life. It's time I started being a little selfish. I usually try to make sure I can do my best to make others happy, but I need to put a hold on that. I'll still do my best to make others happy, but I need to put myself first, and that's just what I'm going to do.

Goodbye 2010, you were a miserable year. 2011, let's do this shit.

I wish the world was flat like the old days
Then i could travel just by folding a map
No more airplanes, or speed trains, or freeways
There'd be no distance that could hold us back.

My First Semester

This semester is coming to a close. Looking back, I'm still amazed by how fast time flew by. So much has happened in these past few months. I knew I'd enjoy the college life, but I didn't think I'd like it this much. I didn't exactly think it would be like this.

There are mixed feelings about break. Part of me is happy to be going home to my friends and family, but part of me doesn't want to leave campus. I enjoy my life here, and it's entirely different than my life back home. Back home, no one wants to climb trees, build dams, or put bananas in trees. They just want to sit around and bitch about how bored they are. No one ever wants to go out and just do stuff.

Here, we can entertain ourselves for hours, just by goofing off. I guess it's because that's all we have here. Just a few good friends and some easy climbing trees.

I'm not even excited for Christmas this year. I'm excited to see my best friend again. It'll be nice getting back into that old rhythm. James randomly showing up at my house, us going out and getting into whatever we can find, and then either ending up at my house or Michael's. Just like the old days.

It's amazing how much different life is now then it was just a year ago. This time last year, I was working two jobs, I was applying to colleges, and I was living at home wishing I was somewhere else. Now, I sit here at school kind of wishing I was back there. A large part of me misses that life. I miss hanging out with James every night; I miss getting high and driving around looking for food. I guess that's just life though, a constant shifting of events.

I'm not the same as I was last year. I'm healthier, bulkier, and stronger. I'm not skin and bones anymore. I'm happy with it all too. I was never body conscious or anything like that. I just feel so much more comfortable with myself now. I'm almost up to 200lbs, which is my goal by the New Year.

I'm hosting a radio show now here on campus. I named it after Doc Brown's quote, 1.21 Gigawatts. Thus far we've had a few good shows, but last week was by far the best. I had a blast just hanging out with my friends in the station. I'm excited to see where the show goes from here. I'm hoping for big things.

Alright, in closing I'd just like to wish everyone Happy Holidays. I'll hopefully be posting again before the New Year.

My Best Friend

Anyone who knows me, knows my best friend is Private James Franklin Killgore. These past two months have been god awful. James went to Boot Camp a few days after I left for college. Since he's been down there I've written him twice, and he's written me twice.

Now, James and I are brothers. The boy practically lived at my house. He worked with my dad and my brother, Jason, and he was my brother Jeremy's work out partner. He was always welcome over at my house. Even if I wasn't there, he'd come over and just sit with my dad.

It's difficult right now, not having him around. I mean, yeah I have my friends here, and I have my brothers back home. None of them are the same though. James is my hetero-life mate, and it's been difficult readjusting to this life without him.

Things were so much simpler a year ago. I was getting back from Europe, and James was going to school at RACC. This past year went by too fast, but yet so much happened. With James's two underages and my possession charge, we became partners in crime. All of those long nights back Route 82 lighting campfires and just shooting the shit.

I guess, with everything going on in my life right now, I feel like I have no where to turn. Yeah, I have people I can talk to, but James always got me better. James knew what I was going to say, before I said it. He always knew how to tell me what to do without pissing me off. He just knew how to talk to me.

I know he's not gone forever, he'll be out of basic in a little over a month, and we'll be able to talk again. I just know that it's going to be different. We're not going to be together all the time. I guess that's what life is though, a constant stream of relationships that either end, get put on hold, or just develop more and more over time.

I just know that right now, I could use my best friend.

My Transition

College- an independent institution of higher learning offering a course of general studies leading to a bachelor's degree; also: a university division offering this.

I have arrived. Two weeks ago, I moved out of my house, the place I've spent nineteen years of my life. Now here I am, Millersville University. I thought I'd feel some sort of homesickness, or even a little bit of sadness leaving my parents, but I haven't. In fact, the only thing I miss about home is my dog, Lindsey and my cat, Thomasina.

Kyle and I are all moved in and settling in nicely. Moving day was an event in upon itself. Jason came down and helped us get everything in. Kyle and I had a lot stuff, but we managed to fit it all in our little room. His parents stuck around longer than mine, of course. I kicked mine out right after we had gotten everything unloaded from the truck and into the room. I know it upset my mom that I just kicked her out like that, but it was better than her being here with me, growing more upset as the day went on.

It's funny how easily we adjusted to this new life. I wish our parents could have adjusted as fast. Mine have gotten used to the fact that I'm not going to talk to them every day, but Kyle's miss him too much. I guess it's different with an only child.

This past weekend was a long weekend due to Labor Day, and Kyle went home to visit his parents. I didn't want to go home just yet. That's not where I live anymore, I live here now. I don't want my parents to think I'll be dropping in that often to visit them because the truth is, I don't know how often I will be going back home. I like it here. It's a new adventure in life, and I want to enjoy it.

I've started making friends here already, people from Orientation, and even people I went to school with but never really talked to. It's great being able to reminisce with people from Boone, and also hear new stories from people who went to other schools. I can't wait to be able to go home and share awesome stories with my friends up there.

Things aren't going to be the same once I get back up there anyway. Everything's always changing, and from what I understand things are already a lot different. Bill moved to Bernville, most people are back at their respective colleges, some of which are very far away, and James is down in Georgia, sitting and waiting until he enters Boot Camp.

I hate knowing that he's just sitting there waiting to become miserable. I'm sort of upset that I can't be down there with him. I know he's antsy, I mean it's James for Christ's sake. I didn't get to see him before he left because I was down here. I mean, we hung out before I left. Hell, we hung out the night I before I left. It's still not the same. He's essentially part of the family, and now he's gone.

It's not just him either. Jeremy moved out a week before I did. My parents are stuck in that house with no one but Alex now. I feel bad for them in a way, but I know their mindset is different. I'm the first one to go to college, and they keep that in mind. They've called a few times to remind me that actually. The atmosphere is still miserable there from what I'm told though. Things are different with out their Golden Child.

I guess that this is the point in the blog where I wrap things up, but I don't want to. I'm just gonna leave it with a quote.

"Francois Rabelais. He was a poet. And his last words were "I go to seek a Great Perhaps." That's why I'm going. So I don't have to wait until I die to start seeking a Great Perhaps."
— John Green (Looking for Alaska)

My Constant Shifting

Everything changes. This holds true to me more than most though. My house is always changing, and I mean always changing. My dad is a general contractor, so he's constantly changing something in our house. Whether it be new tile in the kitchen, or new cabinets in the garage. Something is always under construction in my household.

That's not just it though. The interior is constantly changing, and so is the exterior. There's always something new going on outside too. Whether it be a new deck, new siding, shutters, a shed, etc. something is always changing out there too.

I've gone from having Jeremy, Jason, and Alex living here; to my cousin Billy, Jason, and Alex; to my cousin Shaun and Alex; to Jason and Alex; to the current status of Jeremy, Alex, and Becca Gajewski. We've had quite the family living here throughout the years. A lot of good memories..

The truth is, there is only one thing that has remained constant in my nineteen years of living on this hill... The stars in the sky. I like to go out on summer nights and just lie back and stare into the vast endless night. It's one of the little things in life that helps me appreciate what I have here.

I'm going to miss these skies in a few months..