My First Semester

This semester is coming to a close. Looking back, I'm still amazed by how fast time flew by. So much has happened in these past few months. I knew I'd enjoy the college life, but I didn't think I'd like it this much. I didn't exactly think it would be like this.

There are mixed feelings about break. Part of me is happy to be going home to my friends and family, but part of me doesn't want to leave campus. I enjoy my life here, and it's entirely different than my life back home. Back home, no one wants to climb trees, build dams, or put bananas in trees. They just want to sit around and bitch about how bored they are. No one ever wants to go out and just do stuff.

Here, we can entertain ourselves for hours, just by goofing off. I guess it's because that's all we have here. Just a few good friends and some easy climbing trees.

I'm not even excited for Christmas this year. I'm excited to see my best friend again. It'll be nice getting back into that old rhythm. James randomly showing up at my house, us going out and getting into whatever we can find, and then either ending up at my house or Michael's. Just like the old days.

It's amazing how much different life is now then it was just a year ago. This time last year, I was working two jobs, I was applying to colleges, and I was living at home wishing I was somewhere else. Now, I sit here at school kind of wishing I was back there. A large part of me misses that life. I miss hanging out with James every night; I miss getting high and driving around looking for food. I guess that's just life though, a constant shifting of events.

I'm not the same as I was last year. I'm healthier, bulkier, and stronger. I'm not skin and bones anymore. I'm happy with it all too. I was never body conscious or anything like that. I just feel so much more comfortable with myself now. I'm almost up to 200lbs, which is my goal by the New Year.

I'm hosting a radio show now here on campus. I named it after Doc Brown's quote, 1.21 Gigawatts. Thus far we've had a few good shows, but last week was by far the best. I had a blast just hanging out with my friends in the station. I'm excited to see where the show goes from here. I'm hoping for big things.

Alright, in closing I'd just like to wish everyone Happy Holidays. I'll hopefully be posting again before the New Year.

My Best Friend

Anyone who knows me, knows my best friend is Private James Franklin Killgore. These past two months have been god awful. James went to Boot Camp a few days after I left for college. Since he's been down there I've written him twice, and he's written me twice.

Now, James and I are brothers. The boy practically lived at my house. He worked with my dad and my brother, Jason, and he was my brother Jeremy's work out partner. He was always welcome over at my house. Even if I wasn't there, he'd come over and just sit with my dad.

It's difficult right now, not having him around. I mean, yeah I have my friends here, and I have my brothers back home. None of them are the same though. James is my hetero-life mate, and it's been difficult readjusting to this life without him.

Things were so much simpler a year ago. I was getting back from Europe, and James was going to school at RACC. This past year went by too fast, but yet so much happened. With James's two underages and my possession charge, we became partners in crime. All of those long nights back Route 82 lighting campfires and just shooting the shit.

I guess, with everything going on in my life right now, I feel like I have no where to turn. Yeah, I have people I can talk to, but James always got me better. James knew what I was going to say, before I said it. He always knew how to tell me what to do without pissing me off. He just knew how to talk to me.

I know he's not gone forever, he'll be out of basic in a little over a month, and we'll be able to talk again. I just know that it's going to be different. We're not going to be together all the time. I guess that's what life is though, a constant stream of relationships that either end, get put on hold, or just develop more and more over time.

I just know that right now, I could use my best friend.

My Transition

College- an independent institution of higher learning offering a course of general studies leading to a bachelor's degree; also: a university division offering this.

I have arrived. Two weeks ago, I moved out of my house, the place I've spent nineteen years of my life. Now here I am, Millersville University. I thought I'd feel some sort of homesickness, or even a little bit of sadness leaving my parents, but I haven't. In fact, the only thing I miss about home is my dog, Lindsey and my cat, Thomasina.

Kyle and I are all moved in and settling in nicely. Moving day was an event in upon itself. Jason came down and helped us get everything in. Kyle and I had a lot stuff, but we managed to fit it all in our little room. His parents stuck around longer than mine, of course. I kicked mine out right after we had gotten everything unloaded from the truck and into the room. I know it upset my mom that I just kicked her out like that, but it was better than her being here with me, growing more upset as the day went on.

It's funny how easily we adjusted to this new life. I wish our parents could have adjusted as fast. Mine have gotten used to the fact that I'm not going to talk to them every day, but Kyle's miss him too much. I guess it's different with an only child.

This past weekend was a long weekend due to Labor Day, and Kyle went home to visit his parents. I didn't want to go home just yet. That's not where I live anymore, I live here now. I don't want my parents to think I'll be dropping in that often to visit them because the truth is, I don't know how often I will be going back home. I like it here. It's a new adventure in life, and I want to enjoy it.

I've started making friends here already, people from Orientation, and even people I went to school with but never really talked to. It's great being able to reminisce with people from Boone, and also hear new stories from people who went to other schools. I can't wait to be able to go home and share awesome stories with my friends up there.

Things aren't going to be the same once I get back up there anyway. Everything's always changing, and from what I understand things are already a lot different. Bill moved to Bernville, most people are back at their respective colleges, some of which are very far away, and James is down in Georgia, sitting and waiting until he enters Boot Camp.

I hate knowing that he's just sitting there waiting to become miserable. I'm sort of upset that I can't be down there with him. I know he's antsy, I mean it's James for Christ's sake. I didn't get to see him before he left because I was down here. I mean, we hung out before I left. Hell, we hung out the night I before I left. It's still not the same. He's essentially part of the family, and now he's gone.

It's not just him either. Jeremy moved out a week before I did. My parents are stuck in that house with no one but Alex now. I feel bad for them in a way, but I know their mindset is different. I'm the first one to go to college, and they keep that in mind. They've called a few times to remind me that actually. The atmosphere is still miserable there from what I'm told though. Things are different with out their Golden Child.

I guess that this is the point in the blog where I wrap things up, but I don't want to. I'm just gonna leave it with a quote.

"Francois Rabelais. He was a poet. And his last words were "I go to seek a Great Perhaps." That's why I'm going. So I don't have to wait until I die to start seeking a Great Perhaps."
— John Green (Looking for Alaska)

My Constant Shifting

Everything changes. This holds true to me more than most though. My house is always changing, and I mean always changing. My dad is a general contractor, so he's constantly changing something in our house. Whether it be new tile in the kitchen, or new cabinets in the garage. Something is always under construction in my household.

That's not just it though. The interior is constantly changing, and so is the exterior. There's always something new going on outside too. Whether it be a new deck, new siding, shutters, a shed, etc. something is always changing out there too.

I've gone from having Jeremy, Jason, and Alex living here; to my cousin Billy, Jason, and Alex; to my cousin Shaun and Alex; to Jason and Alex; to the current status of Jeremy, Alex, and Becca Gajewski. We've had quite the family living here throughout the years. A lot of good memories..

The truth is, there is only one thing that has remained constant in my nineteen years of living on this hill... The stars in the sky. I like to go out on summer nights and just lie back and stare into the vast endless night. It's one of the little things in life that helps me appreciate what I have here.

I'm going to miss these skies in a few months..

My First Movie

My mom told me we were going to Redners. I was six years old, but I knew the way to Redners. We were not going the right way at all. I tried to tell her, but she said we were taking a different way.

I was young, but not stupid. I knew we weren't going to Redners. I thought she was trying to get me to the Doctor's office, but we ended up at the big FOX building across the street from the mall.

I didn't exactly know what a movie theater was. I just knew that my oldest brother Jeremy worked at one. He was working that day, and we were allowed in for free. He had it all set up for me. It was amazing.

I'd seen the commercials for it, but I never imagined I'd get to see it on a big screen... Toy Story.

The first full length computer animated movie. Looking back, it feels like I was a part of history. It's strange, but I remember that day so well. Everything about it, even having to go to the bathroom at the scene where Woody and Buzz first arrive at Pizza Planet. My brother was ushering and escorted me. When it was over, my brother took one of the movie posters for me. I still have that poster hanging in my room to this day.

I always tell people I have this strange connection with Disney, but no one can really understand it.

I went and saw Toy Story 3 with my mom this past weekend. Andy going away to college made me realize how much I've really grown since then. There were so many messages in the movie; so many symbolic undertones on growing up. Unfortunately, unlike Andy, I'm not ready to grow up.

I realized that I had given up most of my childhood toys already. There are still a few I'll never let go of. I still have my barney doll, and wormy... my first toy. I wish I would have held on to my Woody and Buzz action figures though. That would have meant more to me than anything, still having them. Being able to sit and watch the first two with those toys by my side... but I can't.

Toy Story 3 was the first 3D movie I saw in theaters. I saw a few 3D shows in Disney World, but this is entirely different. I'm glad I was able to share another first like that with my mom. She took me to see the first Toy Story, and I took her to see the last one. I know most people don't see a lot in seeing a movie, but it's one of the simplest means to spend time with someone.

I'm leaving for college in two months, and I know she's going to take it hard. The same way Andy's mom did. I couldn't help but shed a tear when she looked at his empty room. My mom has been here for me from the start, I've always been here, and now she's going to have to adjust to it. I'm growing up faster than she wants.

I try not to cry around my mom... she likes to tease me. I only shed three tears, but I would have bawled my eyes out if she wasn't there. The Toy Story Trilogy holds so much more to me than any other movies. It's my series.

My Second Lapse of Weakness

It's been nearly two years since my first Pneumothorax, or Collapsed Lung. My Momentary Lapse of Weakness covers the events very well, but that blog was written after I had returned home and had time to recover. This time there is no time to recover.

Thursday Night I felt an all too familiar pain in my left side. We went out on a quick beer run. It was a nice summer night, and I wanted a cool ale. I was getting into the backseat of my friend, Bill's, car when it happened. Everything was the same: tightness in my side, the feeling that I had to crack my back but couldn't, and the extreme shortness of breath. Everything I'd experienced two years ago hitting me all at once yet again.

What did I do to deserve this? I didn't even get to drink my Sam Adam's Summer Ale. James took my from Bill's house to my house, and from there my mom took me to the ER. Not that it really mattered, we both knew what was going on.

After sitting in the ER for four hours, they told me that my left lung had collapsed, but it was only twenty percent. Last time we hadn't caught it so soon, and it was seventy percent collapsed. I was lucky to have caught it so fast. It gives me a little more hope that it will heal without surgery.

They told me that they would not be putting a chest tube in though. They plan on waiting to see if the hole heals itself.

I didn't have this option last time. They put the tube in right away, so as to re inflate my nearly empty lung. Unfortunately though, instead of getting better. It's gotten worse. I'm not scared though. I know what I'm going through. I'm not looking forward to the pain of getting a chest tube, but at least the pain in my chest will stop.

I was told that this wouldn't happen again, but the doctors didn't realize there was a tiny bubble on my left lung. It barely even showed up on the CT scan this time.

Well, even thought I didn't want it, I still had to have a chest tube put in. That was a fun Sunday. My lung hadn't changed, so in it went. It was an all too familiar feeling, a feeling I didn't want to experience again.

I was surprised that they put the chest tube in the front. Most chest tubes are inserted in the side, between two of the ribs. This one mirrored my first chest tube, which reading back you will see did nothing to help me.

My oldest brother, Jeremy, his girlfriend, Jill, and my sister, Billy came to visit me that afternoon. Billy hadn't visited me the last time I was in the hospital, and had no idea what was going on this time. Jeremy, was yet again amazed by how calm and cool I stayed, and Jill didn't really have an opinion on the matter. She worked in the hospital and is used to seeing people in my condition.

Kyle Bailey, Rachel, and Brooks came to visit me that night in person. Kyle Montondo and Kelsey Ross visited me via Skype. Having people around makes everything better. Except when they made me laugh. They always say laughter is the best medicine, except when your lung has collapsed. In that case laughter makes it hurt more.

After Kyle and Kelsey were done with me, I joined the crew at AJ Simmons's Graduation Party. I was supposed to be in attendance but was unable to with my being in the hospital.

It was knowing that even though most of these people couldn't visit me, they were making an effort to see me and make sure I was alright.

I was taken off suction Monday morning; my lung had healed itself and was able to stay inflated on it's own, so there was no longer need for the suction. It still hurt having a tube sticking out of my chest, but having the suction turned off made a difference in the pain.

Joel, Rileigh, Tanesha, and Grace were the first to visit me on Monday. They came around lunch time. It's strange, but having people there really does make a difference. I don't know what it was, but I felt better when everyone was there. I guess it took my mind off of the pain. Felicia and Bill showed up as the first group was leaving, and Becky showed up as Bill and Felicia were heading out. Becky stayed for awhile and kept my mind off the tube. She left me with two books to read. Tuesdays with Morrie and The Five People You Meet in Heaven.

After everyone had cleared out I video chatted with Jess, Jenn, and their friend Kristen. Again, keeping my mind off of the tube. Jess and Jenn were planning on visiting me, but I recovered much faster than expected, and they were unable to. After a back and forth exchange of motivational posters they took their leave.

My Lung Brother, Kyle Beatty, and James showed up with my parents next. It wouldn't have been a stay in the hospital without Kyle Beatty being there. He's the reason I knew I had a collapsed lung in the first place.

After everyone left I read The Five People You Meet in Heaven until I fell asleep. For those of you who haven't read this book, I highly recommend it. It's well written with memorable characters, and an exceptional plot. It's also a very fast read.

Tuesday I received news that I would be able to leave later that day. Everything had healed up as it should have. They pulled the cheat tube around noon, took an X-Ray, and I was out by two.

This is how everything was supposed to go last time. I required no surgery, and was out fast.

Now it's just time to sit back and heal. I have a lot to take in from all of this. I'll probably be writing another blog in the near future with some sort of life lesson I learned.

My Stage

My Stage

Tell me how to win your heart
For I haven't got a clue
But let me start by saying I love you

Glee is ending next week. I hate when I allow myself to make an emotional connection with a television show, and it ends.

Then again, who makes an emotional connection with a television show? That's just silly. Allowing one's self to connect with a fictitious character...

Sometimes I just need that connection. The idea of characters being developed through these actors adheres to my love of acting. I want to be apart of something like that again. Character development and connections are my favorite thing about acting.

My high school career consisted of Odyssey of the Mind, the Play, the Musical, and choir. I needed these events as a means to express my creativity and temporarily displace myself from this reality I was graced with.

I am a performer. I am an actor. I have a deep passion and understanding for theater that most people can't comprehend. Even those who performed in shows with me will admit that when it comes to theater, I'm like no one you will ever meet.

My creative median has been my cooking this past year. I devoted nearly all of my time to Tim's Ugly Mug. What has it got me? Yes, I'm financially set for a little now, but what does that mean? I never felt the same way in that kitchen that I felt on that stage. It was similar, but it wasn't the same rush.

I quit my job on Sunday.

Saturday Night Steph, a bartender at Tim's, was in a very bad car accident. The following morning my phone woke me up. Brian, my manager, was going to cover her bar shift for the day, but his wife had been planning a surprise birthday party for him. Yes, Sunday was his birthday, and he was being forced to cover someone's shift. He couldn't do it. I told him not to open. I told him to enjoy his birthday, and that I wouldn't be going to work today.

Tim didn't like that. Brian told Tim he wouldn't cover Steph's shift. So, Tim fired Brian. I've always said that if Brian were to leave Tim's Ugly Mug, I would leave with him. Tim called me, and before he could ask me to go work the bar, I quit. He didn't know what to do. I feel bad for him, but word has already gotten out about his firing Brian on his birthday. Nobody wants to give their money to somebody so soulless.

I tend to jump points around too much when I write an emotionally infused blog.

My point is, I need a new creative median. Not only a job, but something more. I need to be able to express myself in what I do.

I need to “Take the stage” once more.