My First Semester

This semester is coming to a close. Looking back, I'm still amazed by how fast time flew by. So much has happened in these past few months. I knew I'd enjoy the college life, but I didn't think I'd like it this much. I didn't exactly think it would be like this.

There are mixed feelings about break. Part of me is happy to be going home to my friends and family, but part of me doesn't want to leave campus. I enjoy my life here, and it's entirely different than my life back home. Back home, no one wants to climb trees, build dams, or put bananas in trees. They just want to sit around and bitch about how bored they are. No one ever wants to go out and just do stuff.

Here, we can entertain ourselves for hours, just by goofing off. I guess it's because that's all we have here. Just a few good friends and some easy climbing trees.

I'm not even excited for Christmas this year. I'm excited to see my best friend again. It'll be nice getting back into that old rhythm. James randomly showing up at my house, us going out and getting into whatever we can find, and then either ending up at my house or Michael's. Just like the old days.

It's amazing how much different life is now then it was just a year ago. This time last year, I was working two jobs, I was applying to colleges, and I was living at home wishing I was somewhere else. Now, I sit here at school kind of wishing I was back there. A large part of me misses that life. I miss hanging out with James every night; I miss getting high and driving around looking for food. I guess that's just life though, a constant shifting of events.

I'm not the same as I was last year. I'm healthier, bulkier, and stronger. I'm not skin and bones anymore. I'm happy with it all too. I was never body conscious or anything like that. I just feel so much more comfortable with myself now. I'm almost up to 200lbs, which is my goal by the New Year.

I'm hosting a radio show now here on campus. I named it after Doc Brown's quote, 1.21 Gigawatts. Thus far we've had a few good shows, but last week was by far the best. I had a blast just hanging out with my friends in the station. I'm excited to see where the show goes from here. I'm hoping for big things.

Alright, in closing I'd just like to wish everyone Happy Holidays. I'll hopefully be posting again before the New Year.

My Best Friend

Anyone who knows me, knows my best friend is Private James Franklin Killgore. These past two months have been god awful. James went to Boot Camp a few days after I left for college. Since he's been down there I've written him twice, and he's written me twice.

Now, James and I are brothers. The boy practically lived at my house. He worked with my dad and my brother, Jason, and he was my brother Jeremy's work out partner. He was always welcome over at my house. Even if I wasn't there, he'd come over and just sit with my dad.

It's difficult right now, not having him around. I mean, yeah I have my friends here, and I have my brothers back home. None of them are the same though. James is my hetero-life mate, and it's been difficult readjusting to this life without him.

Things were so much simpler a year ago. I was getting back from Europe, and James was going to school at RACC. This past year went by too fast, but yet so much happened. With James's two underages and my possession charge, we became partners in crime. All of those long nights back Route 82 lighting campfires and just shooting the shit.

I guess, with everything going on in my life right now, I feel like I have no where to turn. Yeah, I have people I can talk to, but James always got me better. James knew what I was going to say, before I said it. He always knew how to tell me what to do without pissing me off. He just knew how to talk to me.

I know he's not gone forever, he'll be out of basic in a little over a month, and we'll be able to talk again. I just know that it's going to be different. We're not going to be together all the time. I guess that's what life is though, a constant stream of relationships that either end, get put on hold, or just develop more and more over time.

I just know that right now, I could use my best friend.

My Transition

College- an independent institution of higher learning offering a course of general studies leading to a bachelor's degree; also: a university division offering this.

I have arrived. Two weeks ago, I moved out of my house, the place I've spent nineteen years of my life. Now here I am, Millersville University. I thought I'd feel some sort of homesickness, or even a little bit of sadness leaving my parents, but I haven't. In fact, the only thing I miss about home is my dog, Lindsey and my cat, Thomasina.

Kyle and I are all moved in and settling in nicely. Moving day was an event in upon itself. Jason came down and helped us get everything in. Kyle and I had a lot stuff, but we managed to fit it all in our little room. His parents stuck around longer than mine, of course. I kicked mine out right after we had gotten everything unloaded from the truck and into the room. I know it upset my mom that I just kicked her out like that, but it was better than her being here with me, growing more upset as the day went on.

It's funny how easily we adjusted to this new life. I wish our parents could have adjusted as fast. Mine have gotten used to the fact that I'm not going to talk to them every day, but Kyle's miss him too much. I guess it's different with an only child.

This past weekend was a long weekend due to Labor Day, and Kyle went home to visit his parents. I didn't want to go home just yet. That's not where I live anymore, I live here now. I don't want my parents to think I'll be dropping in that often to visit them because the truth is, I don't know how often I will be going back home. I like it here. It's a new adventure in life, and I want to enjoy it.

I've started making friends here already, people from Orientation, and even people I went to school with but never really talked to. It's great being able to reminisce with people from Boone, and also hear new stories from people who went to other schools. I can't wait to be able to go home and share awesome stories with my friends up there.

Things aren't going to be the same once I get back up there anyway. Everything's always changing, and from what I understand things are already a lot different. Bill moved to Bernville, most people are back at their respective colleges, some of which are very far away, and James is down in Georgia, sitting and waiting until he enters Boot Camp.

I hate knowing that he's just sitting there waiting to become miserable. I'm sort of upset that I can't be down there with him. I know he's antsy, I mean it's James for Christ's sake. I didn't get to see him before he left because I was down here. I mean, we hung out before I left. Hell, we hung out the night I before I left. It's still not the same. He's essentially part of the family, and now he's gone.

It's not just him either. Jeremy moved out a week before I did. My parents are stuck in that house with no one but Alex now. I feel bad for them in a way, but I know their mindset is different. I'm the first one to go to college, and they keep that in mind. They've called a few times to remind me that actually. The atmosphere is still miserable there from what I'm told though. Things are different with out their Golden Child.

I guess that this is the point in the blog where I wrap things up, but I don't want to. I'm just gonna leave it with a quote.

"Francois Rabelais. He was a poet. And his last words were "I go to seek a Great Perhaps." That's why I'm going. So I don't have to wait until I die to start seeking a Great Perhaps."
— John Green (Looking for Alaska)

My Constant Shifting

Everything changes. This holds true to me more than most though. My house is always changing, and I mean always changing. My dad is a general contractor, so he's constantly changing something in our house. Whether it be new tile in the kitchen, or new cabinets in the garage. Something is always under construction in my household.

That's not just it though. The interior is constantly changing, and so is the exterior. There's always something new going on outside too. Whether it be a new deck, new siding, shutters, a shed, etc. something is always changing out there too.

I've gone from having Jeremy, Jason, and Alex living here; to my cousin Billy, Jason, and Alex; to my cousin Shaun and Alex; to Jason and Alex; to the current status of Jeremy, Alex, and Becca Gajewski. We've had quite the family living here throughout the years. A lot of good memories..

The truth is, there is only one thing that has remained constant in my nineteen years of living on this hill... The stars in the sky. I like to go out on summer nights and just lie back and stare into the vast endless night. It's one of the little things in life that helps me appreciate what I have here.

I'm going to miss these skies in a few months..

My First Movie

My mom told me we were going to Redners. I was six years old, but I knew the way to Redners. We were not going the right way at all. I tried to tell her, but she said we were taking a different way.

I was young, but not stupid. I knew we weren't going to Redners. I thought she was trying to get me to the Doctor's office, but we ended up at the big FOX building across the street from the mall.

I didn't exactly know what a movie theater was. I just knew that my oldest brother Jeremy worked at one. He was working that day, and we were allowed in for free. He had it all set up for me. It was amazing.

I'd seen the commercials for it, but I never imagined I'd get to see it on a big screen... Toy Story.

The first full length computer animated movie. Looking back, it feels like I was a part of history. It's strange, but I remember that day so well. Everything about it, even having to go to the bathroom at the scene where Woody and Buzz first arrive at Pizza Planet. My brother was ushering and escorted me. When it was over, my brother took one of the movie posters for me. I still have that poster hanging in my room to this day.

I always tell people I have this strange connection with Disney, but no one can really understand it.

I went and saw Toy Story 3 with my mom this past weekend. Andy going away to college made me realize how much I've really grown since then. There were so many messages in the movie; so many symbolic undertones on growing up. Unfortunately, unlike Andy, I'm not ready to grow up.

I realized that I had given up most of my childhood toys already. There are still a few I'll never let go of. I still have my barney doll, and wormy... my first toy. I wish I would have held on to my Woody and Buzz action figures though. That would have meant more to me than anything, still having them. Being able to sit and watch the first two with those toys by my side... but I can't.

Toy Story 3 was the first 3D movie I saw in theaters. I saw a few 3D shows in Disney World, but this is entirely different. I'm glad I was able to share another first like that with my mom. She took me to see the first Toy Story, and I took her to see the last one. I know most people don't see a lot in seeing a movie, but it's one of the simplest means to spend time with someone.

I'm leaving for college in two months, and I know she's going to take it hard. The same way Andy's mom did. I couldn't help but shed a tear when she looked at his empty room. My mom has been here for me from the start, I've always been here, and now she's going to have to adjust to it. I'm growing up faster than she wants.

I try not to cry around my mom... she likes to tease me. I only shed three tears, but I would have bawled my eyes out if she wasn't there. The Toy Story Trilogy holds so much more to me than any other movies. It's my series.

My Second Lapse of Weakness

It's been nearly two years since my first Pneumothorax, or Collapsed Lung. My Momentary Lapse of Weakness covers the events very well, but that blog was written after I had returned home and had time to recover. This time there is no time to recover.

Thursday Night I felt an all too familiar pain in my left side. We went out on a quick beer run. It was a nice summer night, and I wanted a cool ale. I was getting into the backseat of my friend, Bill's, car when it happened. Everything was the same: tightness in my side, the feeling that I had to crack my back but couldn't, and the extreme shortness of breath. Everything I'd experienced two years ago hitting me all at once yet again.

What did I do to deserve this? I didn't even get to drink my Sam Adam's Summer Ale. James took my from Bill's house to my house, and from there my mom took me to the ER. Not that it really mattered, we both knew what was going on.

After sitting in the ER for four hours, they told me that my left lung had collapsed, but it was only twenty percent. Last time we hadn't caught it so soon, and it was seventy percent collapsed. I was lucky to have caught it so fast. It gives me a little more hope that it will heal without surgery.

They told me that they would not be putting a chest tube in though. They plan on waiting to see if the hole heals itself.

I didn't have this option last time. They put the tube in right away, so as to re inflate my nearly empty lung. Unfortunately though, instead of getting better. It's gotten worse. I'm not scared though. I know what I'm going through. I'm not looking forward to the pain of getting a chest tube, but at least the pain in my chest will stop.

I was told that this wouldn't happen again, but the doctors didn't realize there was a tiny bubble on my left lung. It barely even showed up on the CT scan this time.

Well, even thought I didn't want it, I still had to have a chest tube put in. That was a fun Sunday. My lung hadn't changed, so in it went. It was an all too familiar feeling, a feeling I didn't want to experience again.

I was surprised that they put the chest tube in the front. Most chest tubes are inserted in the side, between two of the ribs. This one mirrored my first chest tube, which reading back you will see did nothing to help me.

My oldest brother, Jeremy, his girlfriend, Jill, and my sister, Billy came to visit me that afternoon. Billy hadn't visited me the last time I was in the hospital, and had no idea what was going on this time. Jeremy, was yet again amazed by how calm and cool I stayed, and Jill didn't really have an opinion on the matter. She worked in the hospital and is used to seeing people in my condition.

Kyle Bailey, Rachel, and Brooks came to visit me that night in person. Kyle Montondo and Kelsey Ross visited me via Skype. Having people around makes everything better. Except when they made me laugh. They always say laughter is the best medicine, except when your lung has collapsed. In that case laughter makes it hurt more.

After Kyle and Kelsey were done with me, I joined the crew at AJ Simmons's Graduation Party. I was supposed to be in attendance but was unable to with my being in the hospital.

It was knowing that even though most of these people couldn't visit me, they were making an effort to see me and make sure I was alright.

I was taken off suction Monday morning; my lung had healed itself and was able to stay inflated on it's own, so there was no longer need for the suction. It still hurt having a tube sticking out of my chest, but having the suction turned off made a difference in the pain.

Joel, Rileigh, Tanesha, and Grace were the first to visit me on Monday. They came around lunch time. It's strange, but having people there really does make a difference. I don't know what it was, but I felt better when everyone was there. I guess it took my mind off of the pain. Felicia and Bill showed up as the first group was leaving, and Becky showed up as Bill and Felicia were heading out. Becky stayed for awhile and kept my mind off the tube. She left me with two books to read. Tuesdays with Morrie and The Five People You Meet in Heaven.

After everyone had cleared out I video chatted with Jess, Jenn, and their friend Kristen. Again, keeping my mind off of the tube. Jess and Jenn were planning on visiting me, but I recovered much faster than expected, and they were unable to. After a back and forth exchange of motivational posters they took their leave.

My Lung Brother, Kyle Beatty, and James showed up with my parents next. It wouldn't have been a stay in the hospital without Kyle Beatty being there. He's the reason I knew I had a collapsed lung in the first place.

After everyone left I read The Five People You Meet in Heaven until I fell asleep. For those of you who haven't read this book, I highly recommend it. It's well written with memorable characters, and an exceptional plot. It's also a very fast read.

Tuesday I received news that I would be able to leave later that day. Everything had healed up as it should have. They pulled the cheat tube around noon, took an X-Ray, and I was out by two.

This is how everything was supposed to go last time. I required no surgery, and was out fast.

Now it's just time to sit back and heal. I have a lot to take in from all of this. I'll probably be writing another blog in the near future with some sort of life lesson I learned.

My Stage

My Stage

Tell me how to win your heart
For I haven't got a clue
But let me start by saying I love you

Glee is ending next week. I hate when I allow myself to make an emotional connection with a television show, and it ends.

Then again, who makes an emotional connection with a television show? That's just silly. Allowing one's self to connect with a fictitious character...

Sometimes I just need that connection. The idea of characters being developed through these actors adheres to my love of acting. I want to be apart of something like that again. Character development and connections are my favorite thing about acting.

My high school career consisted of Odyssey of the Mind, the Play, the Musical, and choir. I needed these events as a means to express my creativity and temporarily displace myself from this reality I was graced with.

I am a performer. I am an actor. I have a deep passion and understanding for theater that most people can't comprehend. Even those who performed in shows with me will admit that when it comes to theater, I'm like no one you will ever meet.

My creative median has been my cooking this past year. I devoted nearly all of my time to Tim's Ugly Mug. What has it got me? Yes, I'm financially set for a little now, but what does that mean? I never felt the same way in that kitchen that I felt on that stage. It was similar, but it wasn't the same rush.

I quit my job on Sunday.

Saturday Night Steph, a bartender at Tim's, was in a very bad car accident. The following morning my phone woke me up. Brian, my manager, was going to cover her bar shift for the day, but his wife had been planning a surprise birthday party for him. Yes, Sunday was his birthday, and he was being forced to cover someone's shift. He couldn't do it. I told him not to open. I told him to enjoy his birthday, and that I wouldn't be going to work today.

Tim didn't like that. Brian told Tim he wouldn't cover Steph's shift. So, Tim fired Brian. I've always said that if Brian were to leave Tim's Ugly Mug, I would leave with him. Tim called me, and before he could ask me to go work the bar, I quit. He didn't know what to do. I feel bad for him, but word has already gotten out about his firing Brian on his birthday. Nobody wants to give their money to somebody so soulless.

I tend to jump points around too much when I write an emotionally infused blog.

My point is, I need a new creative median. Not only a job, but something more. I need to be able to express myself in what I do.

I need to “Take the stage” once more.

My Life in Pieces

You have the right to remain silent

Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.

You have the right to an attorney.

If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed to you.

Do you understand these rights as they have been read to you?

Saturday morning I went to Millersville University to take my placement test and get my Student ID. I was nervous about taking my test. I've never been that good at math, and I wasn't prepared for some parts of the test, mainly the trigonometry.

After that I went to work. I worked the kitchen until close. I was informed that one of my coworkers/friend had just under 500 dollars stolen from her purse the night before. The main suspect was another coworker/friend.

After reviewing the security tapes, we all saw him clear as day. He took her money and put it in his pocket, then turned around and hugged her. What is wrong with people? Really.. how can someone do that to a friend? I couldn't understand it. I still can't.

Needless to say, I was having one of those "life changing days."

I met up with Michael, Nickolas and James after work. We planned on going to a party that night, and I just needed to get out. I needed to relax and see some of my friends.

There are so many should haves, would haves, and could haves from that night. Looking back, I see many paths we could have took. We didn't though. We went to the party. Nick and James drank, Mike and I smoked, and everyone else did what they pleased.

We were getting ready to leave when it happened. It started off with just two. They cornered us on the back deck. A small group ran, and more hid inside. We were cornered. There was nothing we could do.

I was cooperative. I used all of the knowledge I gained in law and anthropology. Everything was "yes officer, no officer, I'm sorry officer." I was respectful, and I complied with everything they said.

They put me in handcuffs and sat me on the deck. I didn't know what to do. I've wanted to be a teacher for so long, and in that one moment all my dreams were destroyed. I started to cry, and couldn't stop.

I don't know what's worse, being arrested in front of a group of people, crying in front of those people, or having your mother come and see her only son in Handcuffs.

I don't really care what those people thought, seeing me there crying. None of them knew what was going through my head. Everything I ever wanted was taken from me.

I met with the cops the next day. It's going to be a long haul, but it's going to work out. They were happy that I was so compliant. It's going to cost me a lot of money, but my record will be expunged in the long run.

I still ruined my life that night. Regardless of what people may say.

I was the only one in my family who hadn't been caught by the law. I wish that still held true.

My Scars

One on my front left pectoral, three on my right waist and ribcage, and several smaller, less visible ones on various sections of my body. Not all scars are physical though.. most scars aren't physical. Everybody makes mistakes, and learning from those mistakes is what makes us who we are. My physical scars remind me of my past and in turn my non visible scars. I'll never forget who I was, but I'll be sure never to make the same mistakes again.

My Letter

Dear Mr. McIlmoyle,

I am writing not as a student, but as an actor here at Daniel Boone High School. I have been involved in four of the high school’s musicals including: The Sound of Music, Fiddler on the Roof, Once Upon a Mattress, and most recently Beauty and the Beast. I have gone through four directors in these past five years. I am writing this in order to help you better understand what the cast went through this year.

There is a unanimous feeling amongst the cast that Mrs. Erin Benn should be given full credit for the direction of this year’s production. Mrs. Reimels did not give the cast proper direction or character coaching, and if Mrs. Benn had not intervened, the musical would have been disastrous. Once Mrs. Benn began attending rehearsals regularly, she took it upon herself to resolve this issue.

Mrs. Benn was meant only to direct the choral section of the production. She went above and beyond the call of duty during the final month of production. Not only did she take the minimal chorus we were forsaken with this year and help them to sound full, but she also assisted the leads with their solo pieces. I was especially grateful for her assistance with my solo number “If I Can’t Love Her.”

There were several scenes in the show which involved extensive amounts of underscoring, or music played under the dialogue. Mrs. Reimels failed to recognize this, and we were forced to re-block the majority of our scenes. Incidents like these were very stressful for our orchestra conductor, Mr. Benn. He had been rehearsing the pit intensely and had high expectations of the cast. The frustration he had with the director became more apparent as we neared the show date. She constantly changed scenes around, which in turn tampered with the orchestra’s underscoring.

The most direction Mrs. Reimel’s gave to the chorus was the over used phrase, “You guys are standing in a straight line. You can not stand in a straight line.” Mrs. Reimels spent the majority of her time standing on the stage, where one can not truly see what is happening. This skewed her sense of the sound and also the view of the performance. This denied her the ability to grasp the overall feel of the show, clouding her judgment and rendering her useless in giving any direction.

The seniors thought it necessary to hold a cast meeting one night after rehearsal. Nick Reck and I began giving the cast the direction they needed to hear. They all listened intently, and we could tell that what we said had sunk in on some level. After that night the cast started to act more and things started to come together.

Miss Reimels, the assistant director, accomplished less than her mother. On several occasions during rehearsals she would sit in the back of the auditorium and socialize with cast members, as opposed to watching the performance and taking notes as she should have. On occasion she would take cast members aside to scold them for doing something incorrectly, only to find out her mother had told them to do it. She would occasionally change the blocking from her mother’s original design only to have the actors adjust them again to better suit our characters.

There were several incidents which occurred at the elementary school preview shows. During the first showing at Amity Intermediate and Amity Primary, Miss Reimels failed to bring my beast wig, an essential part of the costume. Instead of returning to the school for the wig, she made attempt to push the blame towards me. The fact of the matter was that Miss Reimels insisted on packing the costumes on her own and forgot the wig herself. At the second preview show she completely forgot Joel Kutz’s Lefou costume, which he handed to her personally the night before. Her initial excuse was that she left it in her car, only to find it was not there either. She then said that her mother must have taken it from her and put it in the costume closet. We then were told that she left it sit on a table in the student union and one of the wardrobe assistants placed it on the costume rack.

Miss Shutt, the choreographer, was new to the Daniel Boone musical experience. She came in not knowing what to expect, or who she would be working with. She was given the opportunity to select her featured dancers and teach those routines she had prepared ahead of time. There were several occasions in which Mrs. Reimels would reconstruct a scene, causing Miss Shutt to redesign the choreography. Again, she was another member of the musical staff sharing in the frustration of the incompetence of our direction.

I am not writing this in an attempt to get Mrs. and Miss Reimels fired. I am writing this to make you aware of how hard Mr. and Mrs. Benn, Miss Shutt, and the entire cast had to work in order to give you the best performance possible this past weekend. If it wasn’t for the hard work we all put into the production, my senior year musical would have been a memory rather forgotten.

Sincerely,

Christian N. Kriebel

The following students wished to have their names attached to this letter.

James F. Killgore

Nickolas Reck

My Winding Road

And I was 17 and you kept on changing
Plans were more complex cause the cop cars
Finally stepped up to bat.


It’s amazing how well Ben Gibbard is able to sum up everything that is me.

I don’t know what’s going to come from all this, and frankly I’m scared. You always said it wasn’t time, and I was beginning to lose hope. So why now?
What makes now any different from three months ago? I’m still exactly the same as I’ve always been, aren’t I?
I’ve been here, waiting, for four years… four long years. So why four years later? My hair is shorter, I’m taller, my skin is clearer, but I’m still me. I’m still Christian Kriebel that hippiesq, sarcastic asshole you can’t help but love.
I just don’t want to be hurt, and that scares me.


There’s a quote from Garden State that describes where I’m at in life right now…

Andrew Largeman: You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of a sudden even though you have some place where you put your shit, that idea of home is gone.

Sam: I still feel at home in my house.

Andrew Largeman: You'll see one day when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it's gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I don't know, but I miss the idea of it, you know. Maybe that's all family really is, a group of people that miss the same imaginary place.




That’s where I am right now. I no longer feel at home in my house. This is just where my things are, and where I come to sleep. There’s no real attachment to this house anymore, and I’m ready to move on. I want to go to college, and I want start working in a real job. I want to buy a house and start a family… well maybe not yet, but in the natural progression of life, I want that.

Maybe I’m just over analyzing my life, but I dunno… I just feel ready for more.

My Trip Down the Rabbit Hole

It's been awhile since I've blogged. It's not that I haven't wanted to, I just never really had the time to site and write.
I was working two jobs, Tim's Ugly Mug and Turkey Hill, but I recently quit Turkey Hill.
I've realized that I will never be work at a Deli or any type of fast food service. It's just not the job for me. I need to be moving, I need to work hard, otherwise I feel like I haven't accomplished anything.

I was accepted to Millersville for August of 2010. That was my favorite Christmas Present this year. I've been wanting something like this to happen, something to help turn my life around. I'm ready to get out of this town, out of my parents house. I want to start living like I should. I want to get ready for adulthood; I've been putting it off for too long.
I'm going to school to become an English Teacher, and I want to minor in Theater so I can direct high school plays and musicals in the future.

I thought I had everything figure out for now, but of course something new always comes up.
I'm not complaining; it's just unexpected. I just hope I don't end up heartbroken again. One can only take so much pain.
I don't know what to think. I truly don't. I'm scared, but I know whatever happens to me now will help prepare me for real life.

Which leads me to my next revelation. I've been paying so much attention to Karma recently, and it's paying off. Good things have been happening, and I'm ready for more. I've got to keep sending out these positive energy vibes.