My Insomnia

Most nights I fall asleep around 3:00am. Last night I didn' sleep at all.
That's a hyperbole, I did eventually fall asleep sometime after 6:30am. I haven't had a night like that since Middle School.
I think it's time I started on a regular sleep schedule again; one where I go to sleep around 1:30 and wake up around 9:30. That should give me time to fit in a half hour workout every morning. I can start eating breakfast again, and have time to relax in the pool.
I've had insomnia on and off for years now, but last night was the worst it's ever been. Normally I just take awhile to fall asleep. I feel like all the medicine I've been taking has something to do with it.
As I lie there I found myself wondering and thinking, two things I shouldn't do very often. I often over think situations and wonder about things I should let lie.
I tapped into my creative side a little bit and began writing a song. Hopefully with the help of Kyle Montondo I can lay it down before I leave.
I'll figure this out...

My Momentary Lapse of Weakness

This was the blog I wrote after my two week hospital stay in September of 2008. Enjoy...

Let's start back say, 4 and a half weeks ago. I was lying in bed and my pulse started racing, at the time I was talking to Felicia Ellis, who is now my girlfriend and thought that she was the reason my pulse was racing...this was NOT the case.
After 2 days of being VERY short of breath and having a lot of chest pain I asked my mom to bring home her stethoscope and listen to my lungs...the prognosis was NOT good. She couldn't hear any air flow in the lower section of my right lung.
Friday morning I went to see the Dr, now my normal Doc was not on that day so I saw Dr Alex Solomon...BAD IDEA NEVER EVER EVER SEE THIS GUY!
He walked into the room and without even listening to my lungs told me I had walking pneumonia and that I just needed antibiotics... here's the part where I get worried.

Five years ago there's this kid who gets diagnosed with Walking Pneumonia, then 3 months later they find out his lung collapsed and he's in the hospital for like a month and fails 8th grade... We know him as Kyle Beatty.

ANYWAY
I have heard Kyle's story about having a collapsed lung, I've heard OVER AND OVER AND OVER with different characters and a guest appearance by Orlando Bloom. I know it is not pleasant..at all.

So I'm like "Are you gonna listen to my lungs?" and the Dr is like "blah blah blah I'm a dick head" and my mom's like "don't you wanna give him a chest X ray?" and he has the nerve to say "That's not going to change my diagnosis."

WHAT THE FUCK!?! That would COMPLETELY change the diagnosis!

Yeah, two weeks go by after the Doctors appointment and I don't feel any pain, then Friday the 29th I wake up gasping for breath...oh yeah I'm fucked.

I got to the ER that afternoon and after 3 hours of waiting they tell me that it's 70% collapsed and they're amazed I'm walking. They take me back into a room and shove a tube into the front of my chest...WHILE IM FUCKING AWAKE!
You know that sound you hear letting the air out of a balloon? That is what came out of my chest.

See the reason my lung deflated was because I had these things called blebs, they're soft bubbles on the lung that pop very easily. Well I had 4 of these and one decided be awesome and pop.

Now imagine you have a lung that is working at 30% then suddenly it re expands to 100% in less than a minute...YOU START TO CHOKE ON YOUR OWN BREATH!

Now okay let me skip a head a few days.

Normally after a tube is put in the hole in the lung will heal itself...Not happening for me. I go see a different surgeon and he puts a new tube in the SIDE of my lung, OUCH OUCH OUCH!@ FUCKING PAINFUL!

I'm loaded on painkillers, I can't leave my bed, I smell like peroxide...I just want to fucking go home.

Guess what else? THAT TUBE DOESN'T DO ANYTHING EITHER!

So they go in with their little tools and CUT OFF a quarter of my lung and staple it shut! Then just for shits and giggles they put a 3rd chest tube in! EVEN MORE PAINFUL!

Now Today they pulled that tube out and quickly plugged the whole with gauze so I'm all good. But it's been 2 fucking weeks and I can hardly walk, I took my first shower today in 2 weeks and had to wear a fucking Plastic Wrap bandage because I couldn't get my dressings wet.

I hate it. I'm so fucking done with injuries, I'm never getting injured again.

My Journal

Every few months I decide to start keeping a journal. I've never fully been able to handle it though. I'd miss a night and see no point in continuing. Today I pulled out a nice notebook I had lying around and decided to start a summer journal.
The first entry I will write today and the last entry I will write on August 25th, 2009. I may not update everyday, but I will keep it up to date as often as possible. I feel like if I do this it will not only better my writing, but I could be able to sell it in the future.
Jack Kerouac was able to take his life, write it down and type it up, and eventually sell it as a series of books. Some of the greatest books I have ever read.
Why can't I do the same thing? The people in my life are worth reading about, my life is eventful, my life has drama, my life has adventure, my life has a romance.
I'm determined to become famous' whether I be a director, actor, or writer is up in the air. I just think that I have a story worth telling, and who ever is willing to read it will.
I'm not hoping to write the Great-American Novel; I'm just hoping to write something people will enjoy.

My Internal Struggle

I know nothing will ever come of us, but I can't help but wander why so much still happens. My feelings remain unchanged, but my mindset has altered drastically. I expect nothing from us, not now, not ever.

Still, I cannot shake these feelings for you. I see you and want to stand beside you. I want to embrace you with everything I have to offer. Everything about you entrances me. You are always there when I need you, even if we're not speaking.

I just don't know what to think anymore. I don't know what to feel. I love you, but I don't want to. I'm not setting myself up to get hurt anymore, but I feel like in doing so I may hurt us both.

I just wish life was as displayed in the movies and TV; Then I could reference The Notebook, 10 Things I Hate About You, or even Scrubs to see where we're going.

I truly care about you, and I always will. Don't ever question that.

My Finale

It’s amazing; it’s truly, truly amazing. I’ve graduated; I’ve finished my high school career.

The ceremony was beautiful; it was nice being one of the first to enter. The choir sang this year where normally the band would sing. We sang Footprints, a song about leaving an impression. It’s amazing how we seniors pulled the song off together. I thought Mrs. Benn was going to cry in the middle of the song, but she held back.

I guess I’m just getting used to the fact that after that day I won’t see a lot of people from my class. That fact both upsets me and entices me. I’m glad that I won’t be seeing some of those faces again, but I know I’m going to miss a lot of them. I know I’ll keep in contact with the important people in my life, but there are others that I’m sure I’ll miss.

Sam’s speech really hit home for me. When she was listing different forms of teams I looked over towards Nickolas and realized how much the cast members of the play become dependent on each other. I’ve learned so much from my cast members, and I’m sure they’ve learned from me. It makes me wonder what impressions I’ve left on the underclassman. What lessons have I taught them?

I just hope that somewhere down the road, when I’m looking back on my high school life, I can remember my graduation, my finale. I don’t just mean the moment I entered, my singing Footprints, and my name being called. I mean the moments of reflection that kept coming forward throughout the speeches. The memories I have gathered could never be replaced, and if they could I wouldn’t. I love the life I’ve lived thus far, and I cannot wait to continue onward.

My Single Tear

Last night, as my name was called, I felt the most amazing sense of accomplishment. I've never in my life felt anything like that. It was what I felt during my Beauty and the Beast curtain call times one hundred. I shed a single tear last night. I felt more building up, but it never came.
It was nice seeing everyone come together for me. Shaun and Hina made it, Uncle Brett was there, Justin, Jeremy and Jason, Tara and her girls, and of course my parents. All of my friends who came to wish me luck and say their goodbyes. It was amazing seeing how many people came to see me.
There were some people I would have liked to see there that couldn't make it though. I know they would have come if they could have. I just wish I could have seen them.
After I got home from the ceremony everyone was waiting for me. I got my pictures with Uncle B, Shaun, Hina, and my parents. Then Nick and I jumped into the pool with our robes on. It was an amazing moment that will definitely stick into my mind forever.
I leave for Europe in two months. I have senior week coming up, my grad party in July, and a family vacation in August. This summer is going to be amazing. I can't wait to come back and share my stories with everyone. It's going to be an amazing year.